the war of my life

I have been running around like a crazy person this weekend.

This is not how I choose to live me life. Going from one thing to the next, never letting my heart CONNECT.

I kept praying last week that God would destroy me in some way - to annihilate the walls I have put up, to bomb the parts of me that are displeasing to Him. 

Tell me, why am I always surprised when God answers my prayers? 

 All that I think I know about Him is pulverized in one conversation. He keeps telling me to live out of His strength and I keep saying IWANTTO BUT IDON'TKNOWHOW! And so He is coming along with His weapons of war, and is stripping me bare of all that gives me strength, other than Himself. He is a smart God. I don't like it, I don't appreciate the way that God deals with my crap, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite all of my doubt and sin and failings, I TRUST God with myself, I trust in His ways, I trust in His intentions toward me. That is a gift I think.

Here is a completely unrelated poem;

"Be Thou exalted over my reputation

‘Cause applause is a poor form of soul medication 

And I’ve tried it for years but my symptoms remain 

Still fretting the day that they’ll misplace my name 

Still selling my soul for American fame 

Treating the promotion of Jesus like a well oiled machine 

Advancing His kingdom just to snag some acclaim 

Now, I’m both comforted and haunted that it isn’t just me though 

I see a nation of people needing to feed their own egos

Parading status like steeples 

Do we not know it’s evil to love ourselves more than both God and His people? 

But see, here’s where you turn this poem on it’s head 

‘Cause the greatest among us came as servant instead 

And You humbled Yourself to the point of Your death 

Apparently love for the Father’s glory runs red 

So friends, will we point to the Son till our own flames grow dim? 

Will our bright lights become merely nightlights near Him? 

Words echo once, let them echo again 

Be Thou exalted over my reputation." 

- "Nightlights", Jimmy Needham

That's all I have to give tonight. I am bone-weary, as they say, and shall now attempt to "lie down in green pastures."

hurricane God

"I need you like a hurricane

Thunder crashing, wind and rain

To tear my walls down

I'm only Yours now

I need you like a burning flame

A wildfire untamed

I'm only Yours now."

Hurricane - Jimmy Needham 

I need God to come and sweep me up in rage. 

I need His judgment. 

I need the firm hand of my Loving Father. 

I need Him to refine me through a blazing fire. There I will freely go.

"This third I will bring into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.' "  

 - Zechariah 13:9

 I have never before craved discipline. I am definitely one to rebel against any restrictions placed on me. But I've come to a point where finally I see the GLORIOUS-NESS of God's commands! This is huge for me. I have never before found delight in God's laws. The Bible tells me I should find joy in keeping His ways, but I never have. In fact it's always been quite the opposite - I felt more bound and burdened...

I heard a really cool and refreshing sermon last night on the fear of God vs. the fear of man. To be honest, I'm not at all fearful of God. Though I am often filled with the awe and reverence that this "fear" should invoke, I am certainly not terrified by Him. I am not, because I have chosen to think only of His loving character. I ponder only of the sweetness of Jesus who freely took all my sin to the grave with Him. I never spare a thought to the anguish I still cause God when I refuse to do what is right, when I think of my ways better than His, despite all He has done for me. But I have been reminded of the mighty-ness, the wrath, the jealousy, the anger of God. 

He is not a "softie". 

Even as I write this, I'm not sure I believe it. Isn't Jesus the incarnation of God's softness toward us? Isn't the old testament a wondrous history of God giving in to His undying love for us, curbing His wrath, and instead showering His beloved ones with blessing? It's almost like we can do nothing to truly make Him angry...

...so I was fooled into thinking. I hear Satan saying, "it's okay, Jesus has already forgiven you, so just do it anyway, go ahead and please yourself!"  ARGH!!! I am filled with anger and shame. How could I not discern the voice of my Shepherd over the one who has come to lie, kill and destroy! But "Jesus is not a Get-Out-of-Jail Free Card." My God will not be used. His grace cannot be bought or earned, and it cannot be abused.  

The sermon I heard talked also of the 40-year punishment God gave to His doubting people. Though He loves them ferociously, He demands trust and He did not let their unfaithfulness go unpunished. Who am I to think that I may evade His judgment? I do indeed have Jesus to do my bidding, but He will only defend my heart if it is good, and seeking, and truly repentant.

"Moses said to the people, 'Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.'"
Exodus 20:20

 

So now, I am learning what it means to fear God, to be afraid of His power and anger, but more importantly, I am learning how blessed I am to have a God who has instructed me in the ways of life. He has given me such precious and specific guidance so that I may not falter and cause Him pain. I long not to nail my Lord to the cross all over again, but instead to let Him shine through me by upholding Him in all my ways.

"Blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord, the man you teach from your law."

- Psalm 94:12

Abba, may I be soaked in your Spirit, may I remain present to the new heart you have given me so that I might learn to walk in your ways, bringing honor and glory to your Name. You are good and you are mighty and I will praise you all the days of my life.