cave

There are things that only God can say to me. 

There are ways in which only He can love me. 

There are parts of me that only He can see.

I am in a dark, deep cave in my life right now, and I know there is no one in the whole wide world who can help me out, apart from the Man at my very side. But I am so lost and stubborn and far gone that I won't let Him edge even the most sensible suggestion in. There are pit-stops and flickers of light from the ceiling. There is sustenance now and again, and often He'll warm me with His presence. But mostly it is a long, cold journey of pain and brokenness and shame.

hidden

I am hidden in Christ. I am seen and loved by Christ. We have secrets, me and Him. He comes and whispers sonnets to me with rain and trees and birds and songs, while I am speechless. He does not come with condemnation, He does not come with expectation. He comes to be with me as I am. And so I sit, helpless, empty-handed, soothed, helped far beyond a million human words. Met and held. I don't need to say or do or be anything. He knows me, He sees me, He loves me. I whisper, "hide me." And He does.

 

brat

God said to me, you cannot tell me what love is, how to give it or what it means, for I AM Love. 

I have been stomping my foot at my heavenly Father. Love me like this, give me this, now now now, and if you don't I will hate you! Like a little brat. I yelled and screamed and swore at Him. I have put my hands over my ears and said lalalala for a few weeks, insistent that I am right and I know best and God is mean and doing this to piss me off. 

But He helped me take my hands off tonight. And God said: "you cannot tell me how to love you best, Sinead, 'cos you don't know. I made you, and I am Love and I love you more than you will ever know." Which made me feel downright silly. Tonight He also put into perspective what I thought to be a huge issue. He whittled it down, told me to quit the drama crap, lowered the stakes. And now I see the gift of faith God has given me, I see the road that lies ahead, and I am made acutely aware of the goodness and greatness of Him.

I cannot demand things of my Commander. He is higher than me, and He knows what is best for me. He sees my need and longs to provide for me. I don't know what stands in the way of the healing of my heart, or in my receiving His love, but I do know that the Lord is good, and that if I seek Him, He will be found by me.