pauper

How many times have you heard someone say

If I had money, I would do things my way

But little they know, that it’s so hard to find

One rich man in ten with a satisfied mind

Money can’t buy back your youth when you’re old

Friend when you’re lonely, O peace to your soul

The wealthiest person is a pauper at times

Compared to the man with a satisfied mind

My life is over and my time has run out

My friends and my loved ones, I'll leave these no doubt

One thing is for certain, when it comes my time

l'll leave this old world with a satisfied mind.

- Joe Hayes & Jack Rhodes

the listening: satisfied mind - eau claire memorial jazz i (ft. justin vernon)

hero

I've been waiting for God to come for me. I've been waiting for Him to rise up like some storybook book hero and sweep me up in His beautiful, righteous wrath. But instead, my mysterious saviour has been a quiet worker. He has moved in whispers. When I came to the end of myself, when my grief choked me and when I found myself broken and shivering, the only sound in the world I could hear was His breath. These weeks of my coldness towards Him have not made Him move an inch. Rather than fleeing from my anger and disappointment, God rested Himself right at the centre of me. Rather than rushing in to overcome my doubt, He has had faith in my faith. 

I am not enough. I am not worthy.

My faith is so small and breakable.

My love is fleeting, my heart is rotten.

But this God is big and He is stubborn. 

His grace clings to me, I cannot shake it off even with hate and abuse. 

How strange, how glorious is He.

He remains my one and only hero.

walk

I just watched a film that made me cry. (I wish I could say that I never cry in movies, but apparently that is no longer true.) Soul Surfer is a docudrama about the pro surfer Bethany Hamilton. She lost her left arm from a shark attack when she was thirteen. She is a Christian, and has let God use this tragedy to bless and inspire people all around the world.

I have had a hard month, but not because I got my arm chopped off or anything even in that vicinity. I've had a hard month because things didn't go the way I thought they would, and rather than turning to God to lead me on, I turned away from Him. I got knocked off my board, but rather than get right back up, I let myself sulk around in the water.

When asked the question "what does your relationship with God look like?", I often think of Peter walking on water. Unsure of who is in the distance, Peter says "Lord if it's you tell me to come to you on the water". Jesus replies, "come". Christ asks us to step out of the boat, to let go of what we call safety and come find Him. 

Thailand is my equivalent of walking on water. People say it's crazy, it's impossible, don't be stupid, be safe and get back in the boat. But God is there, and sometimes He is all I can see. So I step out in faith. And I am finding that it is only when I am walking on the Rock, intangible and ethereal, that I am able to know the true Christ. It is only when my whole world rests on His faithfulness to me, that I am able to let Him be His full self. But then Peter see the waves, he sees the storm and he starts to doubt. I see my bank account, or I look at other missionaries and I realise how crazy I'm acting. So I take my eyes off Him, I let my trust be in worldly things, in my own capabilities and that is when it all falls apart.

"...when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"

- Matthew 14:30-31

Jesus is always there to catch me. 

There is value in failing. There is worth in trying to walk where Christ leads even if it doesn't work out. Our faith is stretched and strengthened when we take steps towards Him, even if they are only three faithful ones before our doubt lets us sink. God's true joy is found in our getting back up again. If Bethany Hamilton didn't let one less arm keep her on dry land, why should I let a disappointment hold me back from where God is leading?

arms

I have lived a few dark weeks of lonely doubting, and I am not yet in the clear. Among other things, I began to seriously doubt my call to Thailand. I began to doubt that God had a definite plan for me. I began to doubt that I could ever be an effective missionary. I questioned whether I should just be sensible and stay in Australia and go back to my uni course next year. I questioned God's ability to provide a way for me to Thailand, and then I questioned whether I had enough faith in Him to allow Him to get me there. I feel older now, more mature, less dreamy and spontaneous. So I started to think that maybe I needed to "settle down".

But I look around this life, this city, and I know I am not made for here. I don't fit. I know my heart was made to be beat for something far bigger than myself and my neat little circle of lovelies. I know my feet were made to walk for Christ. My arms were made to wrap around destroyed, broken bodies. I know that I will never be truly alive until I live the way I was made to. I was made to lose my life for Jesus.

"The King replied, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"

- Matthew 25:40

I know Thailand will be yucky. I've been twice before, and it is not my cup of tea. It is hot and there are bugs frickin' everywhere. It is rarely clean, and rarely pretty and those are two things I value very highly. I know that I am going to struggle deeply. It is going to shot me to pieces spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I know people think I'm stupid and naive for thinking of seriously doing this. I know people think I should wait til I'm qualified and married. I know it will be a huge risk. I could get raped, killed, abducted, sick. I may go there guns blazing and return home, a humiliated failure after only a few months. But I can't not try. I can't not give myself over to this cause, this nation that has haunted me for two years. I can't turn my back on my God that deserves more than my Sundays. I can't not give Him everything.

I am glad to have gone through this doubtful mini-season for one awesome reason. God has not spoken. He has not said "Sinead, you must go", or even "Shin, just quickly confirming that I would like you to go to Thailand, but I'll love you either way". I'm glad because now I have chosen out of my love for Him, not out of obedience. That may sound weird, but now rather than going to Thailand thinking I have to because it is God's set-in-stone call on my life, I am going because I think God is worthy of this sacrifice. Rather than going out of obligation, I'm going for love.