"You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love."
- Revelation 2:3
This verse petrifies me.
It is not enough to simply be a Christian, do all the Christian things, to look like the ultimate holyman. It is not enough for God. He did not hire us for our services, we're not contracted to persevere through hard times to make Him look good. We are children. We are the Bride of the most famous Name in all the universe. We are chosen, we have been hand-picked out, set aside. We are called to love the Lord. First and foremost. More than anything else, this is what we were created for. Although we may be called to do other things in response to our love, we must never forget the root of our very existance.
"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."
- Deuteronomy 6:5
We are called to be faithful to Him, to love Him more than life itself, to set nothing above Him in our hearts and minds.
I've realized that for me deeds is almost a cop-out for love. I love to serve the Lord - it's easy in comparison, it's practical and usually involves travel or the people I love. But finding true love and reverence and worship for Him is hard. I have to search deep within myself, I have to shift the planes of my heart, drag my gaze to the One whom I cannot see. It never used to be this much of a struggle. Loving the Lord was once like breathing - I couldn't even help it. Deeds and service was the more challenging part. But now I have "forsaken [my] first love." I have even fashioned other gods, bowed down to them.
For my Abba and Saviour, I have offered my most of my mind and body, a portion of my time, a great deal of my money, and a chunk of the control, I've sacrificed all my plans and my future, and more than half of my dreams. I have opened my life to Him. I am faithful and devoted, I am "sold-out to Christ", I am "willing and able", I am passionate.
But this is not enough.
He wants my love. More than anything else. I hear Him say, "How much do you love me? Do you love me with all of your heart?" Have I given Him the throne in my heart? Or is it up for grabs? Or maybe I have given it to someone else (whom, in fact, "politely decline"s)?
But this is not enough.
He wants my love. More than anything else. I hear Him say, "How much do you love me? Do you love me with all of your heart?" Have I given Him the throne in my heart? Or is it up for grabs? Or maybe I have given it to someone else (whom, in fact, "politely decline"s)?
My God says, "Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." - Exodus 34:14
He will not share His fame - or my heart - with anyone else.
I find this hard too, sometimes I don't know how to love and other times I don't want to because love hurts and it costs me more than i was anticipating. Other times I don't know what I should do to change, should I go to to him to show me how to love him, to teach me what I'm missing or do I already know and am simply ignoring it. I know I want to, I have all the desire too but some times amongst all of that I think I just need to let go and let myself love him without asking how or why because in doing that all I want is the affirmation that I am doing well, that this right now I'm loving him enough and I don't have to try any more. I've realized he is never going to say that is enough because my whole heart is constantly growing along with my understanding of him and my need for his love in return.
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