onions and mud

I am an onion.

 An onion with three layers.

At my inner most core lies my true, God-crafted self. Here, I am pure and perfect. Here I am a reflection of the Shekinah glory of Yahweh. Here I am "fearfully and wonderfully made... I know that full well."

My second layer is that which the world has laid on me, a by-product of the Fall. It is mud and slime. It is most effective at masking that which lies beneath - truth and beauty. This layer does not reflect. No, instead it sucks all colour and light into itself and gives nothing back. It is dirty, but is essentially un-real. It was added after my creation, thrown on hastily by my Enemy barely a minute into my life, and so, I am easily convinced it is who I am, because I have never seen anything beneath it.

The last layer is one I am most ashamed to speak about, I guess 'cos it's all my doing. This is the mask I pull over the top to hide my muddy ugliness. This is the image of what I think I should be. It's "pretty" and quirky and loud and easy to get along with. It's what I feel the world will accept, it's what I think the church will accept, sometimes it's even what I think my Christ will accept (though, of course, He sees deeper). It is entirely "appropriate" and unoffensive and mildly spiced to look authentic. But this mask is heavy and incredibly hard to hold up. When it slips, it's terrifying.

There are new people God has placed in my life who sometimes make me forget to hold up the mask. They seem to see me with the eyes of God. 

I am blessed and humbled.

I am sickened. 

I am ashamed.

I am petrified of being found out.

I know I cannot hide from God, but I always assumed I could hide from the world. I know I am a child of God. Not only has He adopted me into His family, but I was created by Him. His very hands crafted not only my physical body, but also my "inner most being", and then He breathed His pueuma into me and gave me life. The Lord himself said it is "very good".

 So why do I feel like who I truly am might not be that great?

I know that the infamous layernumbertwo is now void and invisible, thanks to my Saving Grace. I have been freed of it's yoke. I have been washed clean, so there is no point living like I'm dirty. There is no stain on me now - there is nothing really there to hide.

 So why do I feel like who I truly am might not be that great? 

I'm really asking. I truly don't know. This not a rhetorical question. Someone give me an answer, please!