pilgrim

define: pilgrimage

a journey to a sacred place

a long journey or search of great moral significance

Tomorrow I set off on my own pilgrimage of sorts. I'm not sure the world would agree that Thailand is a "sacred place", comparable to Mecca or Jerusalem. But as for me and my Lord, that land is holy. I might, in fact, remove my sandals.

These are the words God has been encouraging me with these past couple weeks;

"Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say." 
-"The Words I Would Say", Sidewalk Prophets

I will learn to swallow my pride.
I will learn what it means to rely on the Spirit.
I will learn to be bold and obedient.
I vow to fight for the gospel, to stand up for what - and Who - I believe in. Even if I get laughed at, even if no-one understands a word of my shoddy Thai, even if I am trembling in my boots (or sandals), I know my God will never leave me, and that He can work miracles if we give Him the room.
Let it be so.

I'll be blogging as much as the Lord allows, so please follow my trip and keep me in your prayers.

mantra

this is not about me

this is not about me

this is not about me

Why do I have to be reminded of that? Why is it so easy to forget that? 

This is God's story. 

This is God's people being reconciled to Himself. 

This is God's heart, 

God's creation, 

God's plan, 

God's money, 

God's body, 

God's love. 

This is not mine. I am an instrument.

When I was a young, "wide-eyed" Christian I used to write letters to a friend because I believed God wanted to speak with her, and I was willing to let Him use me to do so. Before I would sit down to write, I would tell God that I was His 'secretary', His typist, and that whatever He wanted to say, He just had to say it and I was there, merely to put the pen to the page, the fingers to the keyboard, and then to be the 'postal service'.

I love love this idea. But I find it incredibly hard to do this with (hate the term) cold evangelism, because there is a real, living, breathing, judging, staring person standing right there, waiting impatiently for me to get out the 'message'. I find it hard to be empty of my own thoughts and motives and emotions in order to let God speak and move through me in those moments. They overwhelm me.

I feel like Moses.

"Moses said to the LORD, 'O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.'  

The LORD said to him, 'Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.'

 But Moses said, 'O Lord, please send someone else to do it.'" 

- Exodus 4:10-13

I feel like Jeremiah.

 "'Ah, Sovereign LORD,' I said, 'I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.'

But the LORD said to me, 'Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the LORD." 

- Jeremiah 1:6-8

I feel like I'm failing.

But I feel like this is not about me

awake, o my soul

I love the way God uses people to encourage me. I have been feeling flat... can't really pinpoint why. I am, of course, intensely eager to return to Thailand, but on the whole I feel like I've been merely trudging through the days, counting down the sleeps, not really drawing nearer, not fully awake to the present.

But tonight God woke me up. A friend spoke words that ignited my passion for the salvation of others. He drew my attention away from myself and my plans and problems...he lifted my gaze.

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: 'The righteous will live by faith.'"

- Romans 1:16-17 

the crushing blow

"...in a haze of gray and grief."

- Brooke Fraser

"Clean up your act - the way you live, the things you do - so I can make my home with you in this place." 

- Jeremiah 7:3 MSG

I am a fussy lover. Picky, self-centred, shallow, even. 

God has been showing me how I 'love' people at the moment. He's been opening my eyes to my expectations of my relationships - to how much I subconsciously demand from my friends and family. I realized that I have set the bar high for people to be in my life. It's as though they must meet this warped form of criteria before I'll allow them in. When people creep in who don't live up to these ridiculous standards, I feel personally offended. When people don't say and do what I want them to, I feel let down, disappointed by that person.

What a crushing person I must be. Ya'll who read this most likely "met the standard", but what about those I haven't allowed into my life? And what about those who were in my life but then fell below the mark and thus were pushed aside, dumped like yesterdays news?

So of course God is bringing this up, (though I still don't feel like He's dealt with the last chunk of dirt He unearthed.) But here is the truly crushing blow. Maybe I have started setting a standard for God to meet aswell. I have come to expect things from Him, particularly during our quiet time. But lately He hasn't been delivering. And so the past two weeks have been full of distance, passionless silence, moping and blocking my ears. It's almost as if I grew bored with the Lord. Ouch. I read this today;

"It is important to learn respect and obedience to the "inner must" if godliness is to be a state of soul within me. I may no longer depend on pleasant impulses to bring me before the Lord. I must respond to principles I know to be right, whether I feel them to be enjoyable or not."

- Jim Elliot

lost and losing

fooled into thinking

tricked into breathing

deceived into believing

why do i stumble and stuff up more than i actually take effective and healthy steps? i cannot go a day without sin, without guilt, without doubt. i cannot live an hour of purity. i don't have any answers.

might change blog name to "lost and losing".

God,

sing to me of the plans... 

"a war's already waged for my destiny
but You've already won the battle
and You've got great plans for me."

- Francesca Battistelli 

may I be forgiven. may I forgive. may we grow and persevere to love. 

for your glory, let me rise from these ashes, from the debris of a crumbling bond.

use my words to build up and bless.

use my hands to touch and serve.

use my feet to go and carry.

use my heart to love.

the art of dying: a discussion

I am troubled by the idea of life. Tell me, what is life? What defines life? And what defines death? Can there be death and life in one; can they co-exist or is that a contradiction in terms? We know that something can seem like life to the human eye - sex, for example - but in fact lead to death. 

But maybe death is a myth? Most Christians believe the soul is immortal, thus even in Hell we live forever and never truly "die".

"See now that I myself am He! 

There is no god besides me.

I put to death and I bring to life, 

I have wounded and I will heal, 

and no one can deliver out of my hand." 

- Deuteronomy 32:39 

The Lord says He will "put to death", so then, how can a soul banished to Hell be immortal? Or maybe is it is a figurative death of our old selves?
Jesus died, right? He went down to the grave with our sin (which we're all very happy about). And Jesus called Himself "Life" (John 14:6). So,that means that Life itself died.
Again, I'll ask, what is life? What is death? 
 

"...whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." 

- Matthew 16:25 

At first glance I find this to be a strange and frustrating passage. "Lose your life to find it. Don't save your life to save it". Seriously Jesus, are you messing with us? How do we apply this?
I am reminded of "The Heavenly Man" by Brother Yun, a courageous pastor, who helped spread the Gospel and revive the Church in Communist China. He truly is, in all depth and breadth and height of the word, fearless.
I like to think I am a becoming a fearless missionary. I am not so worried if something "bad" happens to me in Thailand. I know God is with me, and if He chooses not to protect me from something, well, then it's His will and I'm all for that. Also, I have a desire to witness in countries where Christianity is banned. This to me seems to be a sure-fire way to find my life by not trying to save it.

But there is also the idea of dying to yourself - another "Christian fundamental" I struggle to wrap my mind around.

"...If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
-Mark 8:34

To go after Jesus is to deny ourselves, is is to suffer, it is to follow not our own desires, but His. It is daily, and it is in the small things as much as the big. But I'm not sure how this functions in a modern era such as ours. And I'm not sure how small the small things are. Are they as small as taking the train instead of the car? Are they as small as not buying this brand of clothing, or not listening to that artist, or only taking half your lunch break? And how big are the big things? Are they as big as what university you go to or what course you choose? Are they as big as who you marry and where you live and who you are friends with? Are they as big as not taking that job, or not having children, or never getting married?
This is a ramble of words. Forgive me.

Here is one more verse I find soothing and all-encompassing.  
 

"I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life."

- John 5:24

Hey, readers, feel free to add your opinions or thoughts on this subject.

 

the mad ones

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the sky..."

 - Jack Kerouac