a christmas rant

I have got a mighty cynical edge about Christmas. To me, it's like taking the most sacred thing on earth, dressing it up in whorey clothes and making it dance around to entertain a bunch of rich people. The Rudolph songs, the glittery houses, the bringing a tree into your living room (think for a sec how weird and irrelevant that is), the TV ads, the fat, jolly man. It's sick. It's rude. It's ridiculous. 

But I know there are so many good intentions. I know that people meet Christ during Christmas time. I know that in a lot of households He is glorified and magnified more than usual during this gaudy holiday. And I know that this tradition does a mighty good job of bringing families together. But on the whole I am repulsed by what our culture has done to this precious story, this intensely beautiful act of sacrifice, this divine miracle. I am shocked at how a day that should celebrate selflessness, crazy love and truth, seems to focus so intently on material possessions and food and false appearances. 

I'm so worried what Jesus thinks about what has become of His birthday. I wonder if He is appalled, embarrassed, angry... or amused, grateful, maybe even joyful about how we 'remember' what He did for us. I am reminded that it's not what we do, but why we do things. The Bible says that "The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart”(1 Samuel 16:7b). So surely God does not make a clean sweeping judgment about our modern day Christmas. He searches each of us, tests our motives, examines our hearts, and checks what our eyes are fixed upon.

This year, I pray that you truly would remember what December 25 stands for. I pray you would celebrate freely and joyfully with your loved ones the greatest gift you will ever receive, the only one that will last for eternity.

 

return

I hate this part. The season after a mission, the time after a high. I hate coming back to a bright, clean, prosperous, selfish world. I hate looking around and feeling disgusting in my greed and abundance. I hate how I judge the way people live in this country after what I have just seen. I hate that I convert everything I spend, and laugh cynically at glossy TV ads and wanna vomit on fundraising efforts or charities because nobody really cares. I hate that I'm just supposed to slip back into a Melbourne-esqe life, busy and frantic and social, when all I wanna do is stop talking and be alone again. I hate that I am so a part of this numbed, self-centred lifestyle. I hate how everything here seems to revolve around nothing, and that it feels so homely and familiar to me. I wanna get screwed up again. I wanna not be comfortable again. I'm sickened by the way that my vivid prayers and intense closeness to God is melting away by the second. I don't feel His urgency and passion here. I hate that Christmas is revoltingly commercial and secular. I hate that so much has happened, that I have seen so much, and I can't seem to get a word of it out because it doesn't fit here, it doesn't make sense in this setting. And I hate how all the answers to all the questions Thailand should be asking, lie dormant and unused in this very city. Once again, I am lost and confused and helpless and suffocating. And once again, I gotta get away.

makeshift testimony

So I feel that annoying need to summarize and reflect upon my trip as it draws to a close. Last year we had to give so many testimonies of what we'd done and how God had worked in and through us. But I don't get to do that this year :( So lucky for my trusty blog, huh!

Here is what I have learnt:
I am loved loved loved by God. Adored. Completely. 

God is here Thailand and He is working.

I love Melbourne!

I love to take photos (yeah, you're right, I learned that before, but it's like a constant revelation. Like, once, I accidentally left my camera at my room and I went crazy with all the things I wanted to take photos of but couldn't).

In the next few years, I need to place a huge focus on getting to know God, and on falling deeply in love with Him.

No matter what you order in Thailand, it will probably have either egg or peanuts, and if you are a slow learner and/or forgetful and are allergic to one or both of these things you will have to reorder your food and pay double for almost every meal.

I am abundantly blessed so that I may be a blessing to others.

When things are bad in your soul, praying actually helps.

Meeting new people is not so scary and that I am not a complete social-retard.

It is often the things you least anticipate that delight you the most.

God is funny. Seriously, like, He can make a joke. And He laughs at me sometimes. And He finds my weirdness and quirks endearing.

 For sure this trip has not been what I expected. I thought I knew Thailand. I thought I understood the people, and the culture. I thought I understood God and why He had me come here. But I was very wrong. Thai people continue to surprise me everyday. You hear a lot about Thailand being the "land of smiles" and how they are all meek and lovely people who never get angry or confrontational in public. And though that is mostly true, Thai people are not as black and white as that. They can be rude, and frustrating. They can be loud and oblivious. They can get grumpy and stubborn. But they can also be heart-meltingly sweet. I came with a starry-eyed love of this country because I knew God had called me here and I knew I should love them unconditionally. God has shown me that loving these people doesn't require them to be perfect, just like back home. He loves them despite their overwhelming amount of sin. And so I must learn to love them in and amongst the ways they hurt or offend me too.

Without a doubt God sent me here for this six-week mission to prepare me and call me to my long-term assignment. Everything He has said and done has been for that purpose. I think a huge reason I didn't enjoy the first half of my trip was because I was trying to force it to be what God hadn't intended it for. I was trying to make God use me for the purposes I had in mind, and I felt guilty that I wasn't living up to my own expectations of myself. He told me quite early on that I wasn't gonna see a soul come to Christ this time around, that it just don't work like that round here. But I was desperate to not have excuses, to not use anything as a cop-out for not serving Him, and so, in ignoring God, I ended up in a spiral of shame and guilt and frustration. Thankfully He is a good, patient and forgiving God. 

He has revealed to me a huge amount of my future, and that confuses and startles me. He could have waited until the end of my degree before He told me how I was to serve Him here, and in fact, I was expecting Him to do it like that. But He let me in on His plans, and I'm curious why? For sure it will give me a great sense of purpose while I am studying, and it has helped me to see my blessings for what they are. But there must be more to it...

So this is not the end. I like how my assignments all seem to blend into one. As we concluded our trip last year, I felt my calling to Thailand. And now, as I conclude this trip, I feel my next one rising. I think God knows how much energy it gives me to have something to aim for, to look toward, and how it draws me closer to Him.

So there you go. One girl, one country, 45 days, 4 towns, 60 million people, a whole lot of lostness and one great God. And that's my testimony. 

prison faith

"I ask Ron to think back to the worst setting he'd ever seen. I took this writing assignment to see how faith survives among people who are pressed to the limits... Had he ever found a place of absolute despair, with no crack of hope? What was the ultimate 'table-top test' of the gospel?

Ron thought for a moment and then told me about the time he and Chuck Colson visited a maximum security prison in Zambia. Their 'guide', a former prisoner named Nego, had described a secret inner prison built inside to hold the very worst offenders. To Nego's amazement, one of the guards agreed to let him show the facility to Chuck and Ron.

'We approach a steel cagelike building covered with wire mesh. Cells line the outside of the cage, surrounding a "courtyard" fifteen by forty feet. Twenty-three hours of each day the prisoners are kept in cells so small that they cannot all lie down at once. For one hour they are allowed to talk around in the small courtyard. Nego had spent twelve years in those cells.

'When we approached the inner prison, we could see sets of eyes peering at us from a two-inch space under the steel gate. And when the gate swung open, it revealed squalor unlike I have seen anywhere. There were no sanitation facilities - in fact, the prisoners were forced to defecate in their food pans. The blazing African sun had heated up the steel enclosure unbearably. I could hardly breathe in the foul, stifling atmosphere of that place. How could human beings possibly live in such a place, I wondered.

'And yet, here is what happened when Nego told them who we were. Eighty of the 120 prisoners went to the back wall and assembled in rows. At a given signal, they began singing - hymns, Christian hymns, in a beautiful four-part harmony. Nego whispered to me that thirty-five of those men had been sentenced to death and would soon face execution.

'I was overwhelmed by the contrast between their peaceful, serene faces and the horror of their surrounding. Just behind them, in the darkness, I could make out an elaborate charcoal sketch drawn on the wall. It showed Jesus, stretched out on a cross. The prisoners must have spent hours working on it. And it struck me with great force, the force of revelation, that Christ was here with them, sharing their suffering, and giving them joy enough to sing in such a place.'"

- an excerpt from "Finding God in Unexpected Places" by Philip Yancey

eagle

eagle

He is found in quiet places

He dwells amongst the humble

He abounds in wondrous graces

He makes the mountains rumble

He sweeps across the ocean floor

He calls upon the morning sun

And like an eagle He does soar

Like the cheetah He doth run

He clothes the land in vast, rich glory

He paints the sky with artistic flair

He writes the pages to my life story

With words of truth that strip me bare

He carries me with His scarred hands

He gently whispers in my ear

Of all His great and mighty plans

As He wipes away my final tear

speechless

I am speechless. I know that's not a very good way to start a blog post. But tell me, how do you gather your thoughts and muster words to explain the most important revelation you have ever received in your life? You might think I'm being dramatic, cos I do do that quite often. But in all honesty, I usually have just the right combo of words to describe my thoughts or experiences. But this, this thing God has spoken to me, is so huge, so all-encompassing of who I am and how I will be used for Him, that I don't quite know how to... spit it out.

So bear with me.

I have wondered for years how I will be used. I have to backtrack into a bit of "My Life Story" to explain this fully. When I was 15, I heard a sermon about God having "big plans" for us, and that we should pray and ask Him to reveal them to us. I went home and I said, "Lord, how will I serve you in my life?" And the Lord said, "through your education." 

This is a very significant moment in my walk with God, because it was the very first time I heard His voice, the first time He'd answered my prayer with words. I wasn't entirely sure what He meant by those words, but at that point in my life I was loving school, loving drama classes, loving learning. So I was stoked. Going to school, studying hard - that was how God wanted me to serve Him. Sweet. But, of course, my question wasn't "how will I serve you in my life now." And so those words I received four years ago have only been fully revealed to me four days ago. God has finally given me His full answer to that old prayer.

This is how I will serve the Lord:

I will do a primary teaching degree. Then I will move to Thailand and open a primary school in a poorer area that is in need of a school. I will teach. I will show my children how to question (which is not taught in Thai schools today). I will give them tools to dig deep into their hearts, and them that not everything they are told in their culture is true. I will tell them about Jesus. And I will see their parents come to Christ, either through their own children, as they grow and develop knowledge and a love of the Lord, or through my own evangelizing. When they come to pick up their children, I want them to ask me, "why do you love my kid so much?" And I can say, "'cos Jesus does."

There is actually a lot (lot lot lot) more to this (and I will be dang happy to share them with you if you're interested :)). I will have more than one ministry, and God has given me a lot of specifics. But this is the main part. It is so important. It is so profound to me. It draws all my parts together, and I finally understand who I am. I see now why I have been blessed so abundantly all my life - so that I may be made into a blessing for people in Thailand. God birthed me into a wealthy society that educates it's citizens well, so that I may gain the knowledge to teach children, to learn a new language: He has blessed me with money and provisions for so long so that I may be able to be a blessing to His people. How simple. And finally I do not feel guilty for having so much.

It fits so perfectly into what God has been doing in me over the past 4 years, particularly since my last missions trip. I can't even summarize all the ways that this perfect. Everything clicks into place. It shows me how thought out my life is. God has had plans for me since before I was born. He uses everything for His purposes: small instances, quiet thoughts, even the words of unbelievers. It fills me with such... seriously, I'm speechless. I feel like this is the very thing I was made for. The exact reason for all my quirks and talents and passions and loves. This is it. 

There is so much work left to do before I'll be ready to come back to this country, so I am grateful for the four-year degree in Melbourne I have ahead of me. There are also a truck load of obstacles laying before this mission. The biggest one being the law in Thailand that says it is illegal for a foreigner to take away a job from a Thai person. Also, the issue of money, since I will be incurring a big student loan, and moving to another country is no cheap feat. And, let's just say I am praying for dear life that I won't be sent alone!

 I have so much more to say, for this is truly scraping the surface of what God has said. But I think I will stop now, since I do like to talk with spoken words as well, and shall save the nitty-gritty for my real-life conversations with you lovely people.

"...'I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth.'"

- Acts 13:37

PBPGINFWMY

You know how people used to wear bracelets and t-shirts that said "WWJD", which stood for "What Would Jesus Do? Well, apparently a couple decades back the hippest anagram was a bit more of a mouthful: "PBPGINFWMY" - meaning "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet." 

For some reason I've been carrying around this lie that says because I am no longer a baby Christian, because I've been doing this for a quarter of my life now, I should be pretty much pro at it. I should have nailed the techniques by now, I certainly shouldn't be struggling with the same things year after year, and I should be a pleasing, effective servant of God, day in and day out. And because of this lie, every time I fail to do what a 'Christian' is meant to do (i.e. every day), I am filled with guilt and shame and self-loathing. Each morning, I wake up with the sub-conscious notion that I shouldn't even bother saying hey to God 'cos He's probably already mad at me for all the ways I'm set to hurt and embarrass and deny Him in the day ahead. Often logic will override this: I'll reason myself into praying by using my head to remind my heart that I am forgiven, that God just wants to love me and be near me. But that is somewhat of a prison. Especially when my mind decides to take a few days off since it's having a hard time too, and isn't really up to giving my heart pep-talks.

But lucky for me I have a Knight in shining armor. A valiant Prince. He knows the Dragon has locked my heart in the tallest tower in the land, and He has come to rescue it! (A bit dramatic, I know. Blame it on Captivating.) Or rather, God wants better for me. He doesn't like the way the Devil whispers these lies to me, and He isn't going to stand for it. I know He has been fighting for this heart of mine for awhile now, and, in fact, this is just another battle in a much greater war.

The hardest part is admitting that these lies aren't true. My head knows a lot about the Bible, about God and Jesus and all the truth that is meant to set me free. But these things are still truly foreign to my heart. These lies - that I am not good enough, that I am a failure to God, and an embarrassment to His family - are very deeply rooted, so it's not just a case of convincing myself of the opposite. I have to let God to show me, or teach me, or heal me. (I hate trying to articulate the work of God - trying to put something so mysterious, so beautiful, so not-of-this-world down in words deadens it.) I don't know what it is that He has to do in me, or how He'll do it, or when, or for how long. I don't even know the outcome, for it involves the liberation of my soul - something unknown to me. But I do know that God's army is arriving for a battle. I sense the Lord camping His angels around me. I feel a peace and separation from the usual hectic-ness of my mind. But I kind of wish He would use an anesthetic and put me to sleep for the whole operation so I wouldn't have to feel it, and then I'd wake up good to go (sorry to switch from war analogy to surgery...maybe crazy mind is not so peaceful). 

I don't expect these lies to go down easily. It'll mean a blood-bath for the demons in me. It will most likely be painful, and long-winded. But lets just say this princess is sick of the tower.

I mentioned the PBPGINFWMY phrase because it's become a kind of mantra for me. I was compelled by this verse a few days ago;

"...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 1:6 

I need to remind myself to be patient with myself, and with God. Though I am now clothed in Christ, there are still some deep scars beneath that robe of Glory, and God works in His way, in His own time. I cannot hurry Him, nor expect Him to fix issues in an instant that took years to form. There is a good work happening in me. It's not done yet, and, in fact, the renovation won't be complete until I meet my Maker.