PBPGINFWMY

You know how people used to wear bracelets and t-shirts that said "WWJD", which stood for "What Would Jesus Do? Well, apparently a couple decades back the hippest anagram was a bit more of a mouthful: "PBPGINFWMY" - meaning "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet." 

For some reason I've been carrying around this lie that says because I am no longer a baby Christian, because I've been doing this for a quarter of my life now, I should be pretty much pro at it. I should have nailed the techniques by now, I certainly shouldn't be struggling with the same things year after year, and I should be a pleasing, effective servant of God, day in and day out. And because of this lie, every time I fail to do what a 'Christian' is meant to do (i.e. every day), I am filled with guilt and shame and self-loathing. Each morning, I wake up with the sub-conscious notion that I shouldn't even bother saying hey to God 'cos He's probably already mad at me for all the ways I'm set to hurt and embarrass and deny Him in the day ahead. Often logic will override this: I'll reason myself into praying by using my head to remind my heart that I am forgiven, that God just wants to love me and be near me. But that is somewhat of a prison. Especially when my mind decides to take a few days off since it's having a hard time too, and isn't really up to giving my heart pep-talks.

But lucky for me I have a Knight in shining armor. A valiant Prince. He knows the Dragon has locked my heart in the tallest tower in the land, and He has come to rescue it! (A bit dramatic, I know. Blame it on Captivating.) Or rather, God wants better for me. He doesn't like the way the Devil whispers these lies to me, and He isn't going to stand for it. I know He has been fighting for this heart of mine for awhile now, and, in fact, this is just another battle in a much greater war.

The hardest part is admitting that these lies aren't true. My head knows a lot about the Bible, about God and Jesus and all the truth that is meant to set me free. But these things are still truly foreign to my heart. These lies - that I am not good enough, that I am a failure to God, and an embarrassment to His family - are very deeply rooted, so it's not just a case of convincing myself of the opposite. I have to let God to show me, or teach me, or heal me. (I hate trying to articulate the work of God - trying to put something so mysterious, so beautiful, so not-of-this-world down in words deadens it.) I don't know what it is that He has to do in me, or how He'll do it, or when, or for how long. I don't even know the outcome, for it involves the liberation of my soul - something unknown to me. But I do know that God's army is arriving for a battle. I sense the Lord camping His angels around me. I feel a peace and separation from the usual hectic-ness of my mind. But I kind of wish He would use an anesthetic and put me to sleep for the whole operation so I wouldn't have to feel it, and then I'd wake up good to go (sorry to switch from war analogy to surgery...maybe crazy mind is not so peaceful). 

I don't expect these lies to go down easily. It'll mean a blood-bath for the demons in me. It will most likely be painful, and long-winded. But lets just say this princess is sick of the tower.

I mentioned the PBPGINFWMY phrase because it's become a kind of mantra for me. I was compelled by this verse a few days ago;

"...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 1:6 

I need to remind myself to be patient with myself, and with God. Though I am now clothed in Christ, there are still some deep scars beneath that robe of Glory, and God works in His way, in His own time. I cannot hurry Him, nor expect Him to fix issues in an instant that took years to form. There is a good work happening in me. It's not done yet, and, in fact, the renovation won't be complete until I meet my Maker.