princess

Daughters of Yeshua, rejoice and be glad:

"...his banner over me is love."

- Song of Songs 2:4

We are defined by the love of the Lord. We are labelled "loved". His love covers us wherever we go. This struck me in the heart today. There are so many declarations of God's love in the Bible, but for some reason, this one actually meant something to me. Everything I do is under a banner of love, even if it's sinful. God is loud about His love for me. It makes me blush, but not in a shameful way. Like a proud Father, He's pointed me out to every angel: "see that one there, I flippin' love her". He's kind of a dork about it. But I love that. I love that He is so sure about this love that He would not only declare it, but write it above my head. "LOVED". 

I am dwelling in this place. I am lingering in this season where I feel a little bit spoilt. I am a little girl in a tutu, dancing around while my Father delights in me over and over. It's not wrong, it's not pathetic, it's not sad. It's essential. If I don't know fully, inside and out that I am loved by God for exactly who I am, if I am not certain that my very core is marked by this love, then my service to Him will be tinged with self-righteousness, with an undertone of trying to 'earn' something. So for now, I will bathe in this love. I will let it soak my heart and soften it. I will let in fill me with even more beauty. I will not shy away from it. 

I will become the queen of a King, the daughter of a Father, the princess of a Prince. 

mountain

I married Jesus on December 2, 2007 (a.k.a. my baptism). But this whole time, I've been in this marriage as though it's an arranged one, as though I'm just in it just because it's the 'right' thing to do, and because I know He'll look after me now and in my old age. And He has been good to me. We've had some good times, some hard times, but all in all, I'm glad we got married... 


But these past few weeks, I've actually fallen in love with my Husband. All of a sudden I realise that this Man, my friend, my looker-afterer, He who has been standing in front of me this whole time, is actually the love of my life, my soul-mate, the one I've been searching and praying and waiting for. 


He makes me laugh. He makes me feel safe. He thinks I'm wonderful and beautiful. He gets my quirks and drama. He sees my uglies. He knows me inside and out. He's loyal and utterly drop-dead goooooorgeous. He's kind and dramatic and intelligent and spontaneous. He can paint and sing and write and He likes little kids like I do. He challenges me and makes me better. He makes me love myself. He completes me, in every way - everything I'm not, He is. It's a blossoming romance. We sit and people-watch. We go for drives. We talk about assignments and music and the reproductive system (no jokes). He never gets bored of me. And when I'm a jerk to Him, ignore Him, and get all pissy, He just waits patiently, fondly, for me to realise how lame I'm being. Sometimes He tells me off, or makes me do things I'm not totally comfortable with, but He's always got my back, and somehow it always turns out well. 


I still want my Adam - my tangible, earthly, less-awesome version of Him. But for the first time in my life, God is way more important. God is the only one who can satisfy and love me fully. I know this is a 'mountain-peak moment' in my life, and soon enough I'll be down slogging it in the valley again. But something intrinsic has changed. Something unspeakably brilliant has happened in the space between Him and I. Something indelible has been written on my inmost part. My heart knows that I love, and am loved by Love Himself. How cool is that?

sparrow

God sang to me today: of His hurt, of the pain He endures for love of us. He said to me;

"Love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

- Jeff Buckley

He said: sometimes, loving you means crying over your hearts; walking with you in dark, hateful places; waiting in cold loneliness all night long. 

Loving us means the King must stand naked and dirty amongst our filth and anger. Loving us means allowing His beloved children to throw countless arrows and swords and darts that pierce His soul. Loving us means standing strong and faithful while we thump our fists against His chest. Loving us means watching, waiting through all the years we threw ourselves like prostitutes at lusty gods. Loving us means letting us storm about as clueless, fiercely independent babies. Loving us means singing over our restless sleep after wild, drunken nights with strangers. Loving us means holding our hair back while our souls dry-retch, trying to vomit up all the death and darkness hidden within.

I forget that God hurts. He hurts so, so much. God's heart is the sky, and I am but a sparrow. We will never know its depth, or width or height. God sees all, and loves so fully and endlessly every living thing. This world hurts Him in so many ways. Daggers stab His wonderful Spirit day after day.

Today, I once again dragged my heavy load, my sack of sin and such, and dumped the stinking lot at His feet. I thought about how sad and odd that is, that we must give all our disgusting-ness to a King, and that He always takes it. I asked: why do you let us do this? Why do you want all this rubbish? He said: because when I take it away, we can be closer. It is all for love. God will take our filth, our slimy, dripping, ugly, demented filth into His bare, perfect hands simply so He can love us better.

What do you do with a love like that?

refugee

I am a refugee.

I run to Him and hide myself

but there I find power, boldness.

so out I go

and with me He comes.

then, even in a foreign land

even in a barren desert

even in the furthest place

I am home in Him.

It's a simple poem because it's a simple thought. All day I find myself falling effortlessly into His grace and love and freedom. He is always there, arms wide and warm and wonderful.

"If I go to the heavens or down below

You are right there waiting

If I rise on the wings of the dawn

You are there, I will find you waiting

You are in the highest place

You are in the falling rain

You are in the mountain peaks 

And valleys speak wonders of your name

You are in the perfect sky 

You're in every breath I breathe 

You're every moment life seems to pass me by 

You're my Prince of Peace."

- Desperation Band

pocket-sized

Question: Do you believe in Jesus? 

Not just in who He is, and that He is real. Do you believe He has power and authority? Do you believe that He can never not love, never let us down, never not come through? Do you believe that if you died, truly let your worldly-self fall to the ground, shed all your selfishness and self-interest and gave yourself fully to God, do you believe that He could live a life through you that would teach you, amaze you, satisfy you, thrill you, and fill you more than any other kind of life could? Do you truly believe that Satan is weak and pathetic in the face of our God? Do you believe that Jesus has relevant power in this modern world, or is it just some dusty, storybook kind to you? Do you believe God has power over war? Disease, pain and illness? The internet? History? The 6,900 un-reached people groups? Obama? Do you believe there is power in His name? Do you believe there is power even in the cloak upon His back? 

Do we shrink our mighty God? Do we reduce Him down and fit Him into a pocket-sized version we can get our minds around? In doing so, do we limit His power? Do we close doors and possibilities for God to be as awesome as He actually is? God will only go where He is wanted. If we push Him aside, lock Him out of our daily things, say "I've got this", what can He do?

Open your mind to the God that is bigger, greater, mightier, better, and more powerful than anything on this planet. Let God to be a big Hero, a Man you trust wholly with your whole self. Humbly, quietly take yourself and your stone heart, your forever dreams and frustrations, your heavy, dirty sin, your hidden self and your outer shell, your angry hurts and violent desires. Friends, lay at His feet all you are, all you carry, and take the beautiful exchange.