sparrow

God sang to me today: of His hurt, of the pain He endures for love of us. He said to me;

"Love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."

- Jeff Buckley

He said: sometimes, loving you means crying over your hearts; walking with you in dark, hateful places; waiting in cold loneliness all night long. 

Loving us means the King must stand naked and dirty amongst our filth and anger. Loving us means allowing His beloved children to throw countless arrows and swords and darts that pierce His soul. Loving us means standing strong and faithful while we thump our fists against His chest. Loving us means watching, waiting through all the years we threw ourselves like prostitutes at lusty gods. Loving us means letting us storm about as clueless, fiercely independent babies. Loving us means singing over our restless sleep after wild, drunken nights with strangers. Loving us means holding our hair back while our souls dry-retch, trying to vomit up all the death and darkness hidden within.

I forget that God hurts. He hurts so, so much. God's heart is the sky, and I am but a sparrow. We will never know its depth, or width or height. God sees all, and loves so fully and endlessly every living thing. This world hurts Him in so many ways. Daggers stab His wonderful Spirit day after day.

Today, I once again dragged my heavy load, my sack of sin and such, and dumped the stinking lot at His feet. I thought about how sad and odd that is, that we must give all our disgusting-ness to a King, and that He always takes it. I asked: why do you let us do this? Why do you want all this rubbish? He said: because when I take it away, we can be closer. It is all for love. God will take our filth, our slimy, dripping, ugly, demented filth into His bare, perfect hands simply so He can love us better.

What do you do with a love like that?