dork

I am learning to be very fully myself in God's presence. I am learning that it is only when I am in God's presence that I can actually be who I am. It is only when I am connected to my Origin that I can know who I was made to be. But I am also learning that the real me, the Godly me is, by the world's standards, a total DORK.

~ An "Urban Dictionary" Definition ~

"Someone who has odd interests, and is often silly... A dork is also someone who can be themselves and not care what anyone thinks."

I laugh at stupid things. I belt out tunes at the top of my lungs and sing all the wrong words. I make lame jokes. I stumble over sentences and shrug when people stare at me talking away to "myself". I care about seemingly small things, and brush off seemingly huge issues.


"I have made a fool of myself, but you drove me to it."
- 2 Corinthians 12:11 

Today I asked if God liked that I was a dork when I hung around Him, and He said that He LOVES it because it is me letting go of control and letting down my Great Wall of Pride. But the coolest thing He said was that (again, by the world's standards) He, my God of the Universe, is also a total dork. I'm reminded of a little Jesus boy thinking the funnest thing to do was spend all day at church. God told me that He and all the angels and saints are all total dorks. They all skip around heaven singing, making dad jokes and hugging each other. But these heavenly peeps also run to be the first to serve, the first to get dirty, the last to get pick for the team.

I have a really dorky brother. He is obsessed with singing at the top of his lungs for a minimum of 12 hours a day. He seems to be in a perpetual fantasy where he is the drummer of a professional rock band, and so he keeps drum sticks by his bed, and plays "epic" solos on the steering wheel no matter who else is in the car. He listens to lame grandpa music and tells me they are "classics". But my brother is also a dorky people-pleaser. He is eager to serve. He literally calls people up to ask what he can do for them. He lowers himself to submission for his friends in a heartbeat. He drives them 10 hours across Australia simply because he loves to give. My brother is far from perfect, just like the rest of us, but when I see my dorky brother being his uninhibited, gloriously dorky self, I also see Jesus.

So now my job is to be a dork like God, even where there are other people around who I would very much like to impress.

To be a dork you must be willing to be vulnerable, to have people laugh at you. You must be meek and humble. You must not think yourself better than another. In fact, you must see service as an honour, not a duty. You must be able to take lightly what others seem consumed by. But you must care deeply about things that others completely miss.

God, make me a dork like you. 

As you turn water to wine, may all the pride within me be turned to humility. May I be content with pleasing you, instead of chasing after the world's acceptance. May I be so grounded in your love that even what may seem to be the harshest of words and the most embarrassing of moments, even they cannot shake me. 

God, make me a dork like you. 

winter

"The breath of God produces ice, and the broad waters become frozen."
- Job 37:10


God, teach us to delight in the changing of seasons.

We freely rejoice when a bitter blizzard melts into a glorious spring.

But teach us to accept the colder times.

May we learn to immerse ourselves in the soul winters, when you are far off and silent.

Let us wait them out with steadfast devotion.

Baptise us in waters of faithful patience.

Let us linger there (quiet, expectant), knowing that you will always come through.

We trust you to speak warmth and truth into even the darkest days.

We place ourselves as clay into the hands of the great potter.

We watch ourselves grow and change.

We sit idle as beloveds come and go, knowing you are a constant Friend.

We are wide-eyed children, full of questions of unknowable things.

But you are the Knower of all, and you are always the answer.

sigh

"You've been on my mind 

I grow fonder every day 

Lose myself in time just thinking of your face 

God only knows why it's taken me so long 

You're the only one that I want."

- Adele

Despite all that, I feel an overwhelming, urgent, critical need to keep my gaze firmly fixed on Jesus. I will fall, sink, if I watch the waves roaring around me. 

Despite all that, Jesus remains on the throne in my heart, my One and Only.

He is teaching me patience. He is teaching me trust Him. He is teaching me to let go of control. He is teaching me about holy and sacred secrets. He is teaching me about love.

So I will wait upon the Lord.

sunday

Lots of you know I am a big advocate for keeping the Sabbath. I am always amazed at how many Christians don't think much of it. It seems to me to be the best of all the commands. Pretty much God is saying "STOP WORKING AND HAVE A DAY OFF FOR GOODNESS SAKE." Like, who would say, "oh no thanks" to that? It seems bizarre that God even had to command it. (Bizarre to me perhaps, though maybe not to the Hebrews who were freed from the 24/7 pyramid-making business). 

But clearly there is more to it than that. It's not just a day when you don't go into work. It's a day that you set aside for God. (Everyday should be that way, but God knows we gotta start somewhere.) It's a day that is devoted to Him. It is time for us to go into the Lord's chambers and recieve the real, soul-deep rest that can only be found with Him. The Bible talks about death with words like "rest" and "sleep" (e.g. John 11:13). It also says that when we are absent of our bodies, i.e. dead, then we are present with the Lord. I'm not saying go die so you can get a good nights sleep (sheesh). I'm saying that we are not gonna know what true rest means until we are fully with Him. But I think the Sabbath is a way, a day once a week for us to get a little bit of this kind of rest.

 For me that often that means lazy afternoons at the river, a bit of Brooke and Iver, a bit of snappity snap on the compact. It also means family, it means not shopping, it means holding off on the errands and the study and the to-do lists. It means a little less Facey and a lot more NIVy. Although, in all honesty, my Sundays do not always look like this. Sometimes I don't give a flip. Sometimes my week has been chock-full of laze that I don't need a minute more. Sometimes I forget that it's Sunday altogether. But on the whole, if I've got the kind of God who commands things like "you must regularly chill", then I'm the kind of person who must regularly chill.

tomorrow

"Our time is but a breath so we'd better breathe it."

- Brooke Fraser

"As the body without the Spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead."

- James 2:26

I am deeply worried about the life I am currently living. My whole being is repelled by the thought of living a life where one merely takes from God all that is on offer, and gives nothing back. I am not content with a faith that produces little or no fruit. I cannot bear the thought of being a Sunday-Only Christian. I want God and all He is to be all through me, all through my life. I don't want one sliver of myself to be withheld from Him. 

The past two years of my life have been centred around mission. Of course they were far from perfect years, and there was so much more that I could have done. But I loved the way almost everything I was doing pointed to God in some way. I was pushed beyond myself, my means and about 80 k's out of my comfort zone. I learnt what it meant to truly need God, and I marvelled at the way He always, always came through for me. 

But this year, it's all about me: my education, my money, my future, my time. Part of me likes to argue that it's all still for God; that I am merely preparing for my long-term, (somewhat distant) future mission by getting this degree. I say it's all part of an extravagant Serving God Scheme. But the more honest part of me knows that there is not a lot of soulful labour going on in my life right now. My faith is not costing me very much. And this part of me knows that I cannot postpone all service, all works and deeds until I'm ready and 'adequately' educated to serve and teach in Thailand. Because, of course, I do not know a thing about tomorrow. I cannot even say "tomorrow I will live." So how can I say "in four years I will begin serving God with my whole life"?

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."

- James 4:13-14

Life does not start in a few years when uni is over. Life is now. I am it, so I'd better breathe it in. I must learn to struggle against apathy and idleness. I must challenge myself not to squander this life, my gifts and time and money away. I must make a daily choice to use all that God has given me. I must decide that today is the day that I will take what I am blessed with, and let those blessings multiply and flow onto Him and His people.

bulldoze

"It's the sweetest thing to trust you; 

just to know you've got everything under control. 

You say: 'I've got you my baby, I've got you. 

It's quite the mess you're in, but it's nothing love can't fix. 

So sit here on my shoulders and watch as it all unwinds.' 

I know you're making me a mountain that cannot be shaken."

- Kristene Mueller

Three months ago I was so broken and angry I could barely breathe. Then one day, I fell upon my carpet, naked and bloodied, and told Him I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't live how He wanted me to because the world had simply taken my heart and wrung it of all joy, strength, hope and passion. I told Him He'd better fight for me if He really wanted me, cos I was done.

But my God, do I have a wonderful God. He took me by the hand, drove me into the wilderness (or the river by my house, which felt like the wilderness at the time), and whispered things to me. His very breath began to heal the open wounds. He breathed over me, and cried over me and warmed my cold hands. We sat speechless and quiet, because it was all too much for words. And then hand in hand, He marched back into my world, with me trailing behind. He bulldozed through my life. He picked up all the broken pieces and used His super-special super-glue. He rained over the blood and dirt and scum I had let pile up. He took my heart and threw it out. Then He reached into His very chest, brought out His own beater, and planted it within me. Then He told me over and over and over and over, in 862 languages, in 476 ways, at 3am and 10pm, in a scream and a song, in a banner over my head, "I LOVE YOU." And now nothing else matters.

Friends, let go. You cannot do this on your own. I tried, for years and years to serve and follow and know God out of the strength I could muster for myself. But it took my faith, my family, and my friendships to all cave and crash in on me like a tsunami for me to realise that we can only live by God's strength. We can only love by God's love. We can only breathe by God's breath. Let Him make you a mountain, a firm faith that you can stand upon, where nothing can move or shake you.