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I have lived a few dark weeks of lonely doubting, and I am not yet in the clear. Among other things, I began to seriously doubt my call to Thailand. I began to doubt that God had a definite plan for me. I began to doubt that I could ever be an effective missionary. I questioned whether I should just be sensible and stay in Australia and go back to my uni course next year. I questioned God's ability to provide a way for me to Thailand, and then I questioned whether I had enough faith in Him to allow Him to get me there. I feel older now, more mature, less dreamy and spontaneous. So I started to think that maybe I needed to "settle down".

But I look around this life, this city, and I know I am not made for here. I don't fit. I know my heart was made to be beat for something far bigger than myself and my neat little circle of lovelies. I know my feet were made to walk for Christ. My arms were made to wrap around destroyed, broken bodies. I know that I will never be truly alive until I live the way I was made to. I was made to lose my life for Jesus.

"The King replied, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"

- Matthew 25:40

I know Thailand will be yucky. I've been twice before, and it is not my cup of tea. It is hot and there are bugs frickin' everywhere. It is rarely clean, and rarely pretty and those are two things I value very highly. I know that I am going to struggle deeply. It is going to shot me to pieces spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I know people think I'm stupid and naive for thinking of seriously doing this. I know people think I should wait til I'm qualified and married. I know it will be a huge risk. I could get raped, killed, abducted, sick. I may go there guns blazing and return home, a humiliated failure after only a few months. But I can't not try. I can't not give myself over to this cause, this nation that has haunted me for two years. I can't turn my back on my God that deserves more than my Sundays. I can't not give Him everything.

I am glad to have gone through this doubtful mini-season for one awesome reason. God has not spoken. He has not said "Sinead, you must go", or even "Shin, just quickly confirming that I would like you to go to Thailand, but I'll love you either way". I'm glad because now I have chosen out of my love for Him, not out of obedience. That may sound weird, but now rather than going to Thailand thinking I have to because it is God's set-in-stone call on my life, I am going because I think God is worthy of this sacrifice. Rather than going out of obligation, I'm going for love.