the crushing blow

"...in a haze of gray and grief."

- Brooke Fraser

"Clean up your act - the way you live, the things you do - so I can make my home with you in this place." 

- Jeremiah 7:3 MSG

I am a fussy lover. Picky, self-centred, shallow, even. 

God has been showing me how I 'love' people at the moment. He's been opening my eyes to my expectations of my relationships - to how much I subconsciously demand from my friends and family. I realized that I have set the bar high for people to be in my life. It's as though they must meet this warped form of criteria before I'll allow them in. When people creep in who don't live up to these ridiculous standards, I feel personally offended. When people don't say and do what I want them to, I feel let down, disappointed by that person.

What a crushing person I must be. Ya'll who read this most likely "met the standard", but what about those I haven't allowed into my life? And what about those who were in my life but then fell below the mark and thus were pushed aside, dumped like yesterdays news?

So of course God is bringing this up, (though I still don't feel like He's dealt with the last chunk of dirt He unearthed.) But here is the truly crushing blow. Maybe I have started setting a standard for God to meet aswell. I have come to expect things from Him, particularly during our quiet time. But lately He hasn't been delivering. And so the past two weeks have been full of distance, passionless silence, moping and blocking my ears. It's almost as if I grew bored with the Lord. Ouch. I read this today;

"It is important to learn respect and obedience to the "inner must" if godliness is to be a state of soul within me. I may no longer depend on pleasant impulses to bring me before the Lord. I must respond to principles I know to be right, whether I feel them to be enjoyable or not."

- Jim Elliot