breath of love

 This time last year I left for my first missions trip. During those three months I struggled tremendously with God's love for me. I was almost completely convinced that I wasn't forgiven, and that my sin meant God didn't love me. I felt like who I was in the essence of me was sinful, and that sin was so deeply ingrained that it was literally impossible for God to love me. I believed Jesus had come and died, but was sure that He didn't die for me, because He didn't love me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it was truly what I felt. I remember telling Erin that it didn't matter, that even though God didn't love me and I wasn't even worthy to call Him my God, I was still going to carry on serving Him, because He was worthy. It was a soul-crippling time. 

God spoke to me during that trip, and also a lot throughout this year about those things. I am still, even a year later, coming to terms with the fact that God loves me. He has told me multiple times, but it's so easy to say you love someone. Every time He would repeat it, I would ask, "why? There is absolutely no reason for you to love me. I am not worthy of your love so don't love me." On one occasion God told me off. He said that for me to insist that He doesn't love me is to insist that He is not loving. He asked me, "do you think I am not loving?" I have had many experiences of God coming to me and bringing me into His love. He has romanced me, poured His affection on me, opened my eyes to who He is, and who I am as a creation of that Person. 

These past two weeks in Thailand, God has been finalizing this work in me. I sense very strongly in my heart that His love for me is passionate and intense and inescapable. I feel covered and secure in His love now, whereas before I felt awkward, like I wasn't meant to be there. This is what I have learnt:

"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love." 

- 1 Corinthians 2:7 (MSG)

This is the story of His love for me put simply: God wanted something to love. So He thought of me. Then with His own hands He formed me. And He said, "it is very good". 

That's it. How perfect. How amazing. He made me to love me. He loves me because He made me. "God is love," so He needs things to be the object of His love, and since He's also the Creator, He creates the things that He wants to love. He made the heavens and the earth. He made angels and animals. But me, we, we're the focus of His love. I am not the perfect creation I once was, I have been through a hell-ful world, and not come out unscathed. But His love for me does not end. God does not change. And He loves me so much that He wants for my sake to bring me back to who I was created to be. (Seriously, how freaking good is He? I can't get over Him!)

"When you are sleeping, God gazes at you with love, because you were His idea. He loves you as if you were the only person on earth." 

- Rick Warren

I am also very slowly learning what it means to love God. We, as humans, are so used to letting our emotions guide us. If we feel in love with someone then we think they are worthy of our love, and so we are in love with them. But God has been showing me that I need to choose to love Him, even when I don't feel it. He is always, every second, worthy of my love. But I'm not always, every second, going to be filled with loving emotions toward Him. So I must make a conscious choice to love Him anyway. He is showing me how much worship means to Him, how that is the way that He loves to be loved, and what exactly worship is. 

Worship, by the way, is not just singing and lifting your hands (what?!), no. It is much, much more. It is obeying His commands; it is dying to ourselves and letting Christ live through us; it is telling people about Him; it is rejoicing in our blessings; it is thanking Him; it is meditating on His Word. Worship is dancing and laughing and eating and showering and walking. No joke. It is literally letting Him into our everyday, mundane, but real-life stuff. God doesn't just want our quiet times. He wants our whole entire lives.

"The steps of the godly are directed by the LORD. He delights in every detail of their lives." 

- Psalm 37:23 (NLT) 

This is my new thing; breath prayers. I got it from The Purpose-Driven Life. "You choose a brief sentence or a simple phrase that can be repeated to Jesus in one breath: "You are with me," "I receive your grace." "I'm depending on you." "I want to know you." "I belong to you." "Help me trust you." "You are my God." "You will never leave me." Pray it as often as possible so it is deep rooted in you heart."

It is a simple way of letting Him in, of reminding myself to find ways to worship Him. Maybe you want to try it?

Hey you guys, thank you so much for reading my blog and for praying for me. It is such a huge support, and makes me feel much less alone in this big wide world. I miss and love you all!