I hate this part. The season after a mission, the time after a high. I hate coming back to a bright, clean, prosperous, selfish world. I hate looking around and feeling disgusting in my greed and abundance. I hate how I judge the way people live in this country after what I have just seen. I hate that I convert everything I spend, and laugh cynically at glossy TV ads and wanna vomit on fundraising efforts or charities because nobody really cares. I hate that I'm just supposed to slip back into a Melbourne-esqe life, busy and frantic and social, when all I wanna do is stop talking and be alone again. I hate that I am so a part of this numbed, self-centred lifestyle. I hate how everything here seems to revolve around nothing, and that it feels so homely and familiar to me. I wanna get screwed up again. I wanna not be comfortable again. I'm sickened by the way that my vivid prayers and intense closeness to God is melting away by the second. I don't feel His urgency and passion here. I hate that Christmas is revoltingly commercial and secular. I hate that so much has happened, that I have seen so much, and I can't seem to get a word of it out because it doesn't fit here, it doesn't make sense in this setting. And I hate how all the answers to all the questions Thailand should be asking, lie dormant and unused in this very city. Once again, I am lost and confused and helpless and suffocating. And once again, I gotta get away.
I'm not really sure what to make of this shinny, i mean, being found by God isn't easy sometimes. Coming back, slipping back into the old ways - isn't that up to you to be the change you want to see in the world. I totally feel you, I think this also, the oppression of living in Melbourne is something that is very hard to get away from. But God can work through anything, he still wants to use you and you do have the choice to step away from the crowd and be something else - something new.
ReplyDeleteSorry if this all sounds really harsh, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. Prolly would be better if we talked about this tomozzle when I might have a brain back <3 <3