autume

My faith and I have entered into a quiet, delicate season. It is gloriously lonely, sweet, warm and fleeting.

I used to think that 'spiritual seasons' were a bad thing. I used to think they were a figure of speech that lukewarm Christians used to justify their falling out of 'hotness' with God. I sort of took offence when people said they were in a 'dry' season with God, because I think God deserves better than our excuses. I myself have been through those sorts of spiritual seasons where one month you are shouting His name from the rooftops, and the next you can barely force it passed clenched teeth. I know what it is like to sail on a holy high after an Easter camp, only to plunge into the coldest, loneliest term, wondering where the heck God is.

But I have lived three very intense, very amazing, very spiritual years. And though I have had ups and down in my life, my faith and my relationship with Jesus seems to have gone from strength to strength. Thus in a fit, or phase, of spiritual pride, I began to deem these ideas of justified spiritual seasons as simple laziness and unfaithfulness. I decided it was a choice that people made to slip away from Him. When things with God become less-than-thrilling, when we come up against something hard, or when God pushes some buttons that we'd rather ignore, it is so easy to turn away, ever so slightly, just enough so that we lose that acute intimacy, and God gets given a demotion in our hearts. The downward spirals commences, until one day we feel like it isn't our fault: that it's God's - He's distant, I can't help that. Excuses cloud over the truth.

See now if I had written this post a few months ago I probably would have left it there. I would've signed off with some encouraging flurry, accompanied by horrid undertone of spiritual superiority and judgement. But...

God has shown me that spiritual seasons are okay. They're not okay when they are due to the things I just mentioned, but sometimes a change is natural, much like winter melting into spring. God has shown me that He does not demand that we are always on fire for Him. He demands that we always love Him, that we always look to glorify Him, that we always try to walk in His ways. But He does not demand our constant display of zeal for His message, He does not require our non-stop hype and hysteria over our callings.

No.

To my surprise, God in fact loves to ebb and flow through seasons in our faith and our lives. Our Mighty Father is not only found in a burning bush. He is also found in whispers, those absolute heartwhispers that you yourself can barely hear. God is not only present when we can't help but sing in loud voices, when we pray hundreds of times a day, and can barely keep our noses out of His Word. God is also there when we are full of doubt, when we are tired and lonely and confused. 

God has been leading me by the hand into a brand new season, one I've never known before, and one I never thought He'd find joy in. This season is quiet and lonely, in the best possible way. This season does not need me to pray a lot, and does not need me be with people. It is challenging me in such a non-confronting way that I'm allowed to ignore the toughness of it if I so desire. God knows me so well. I've had a few trying months, and all the while I've been striving so hard to not fall even an inch away from Him. I've been working to make a life and to surround myself with people and to not waste time. But God has led me into the wilderness, and taught me to let go of needing people. He has also taught me il dolce far niente, that is "the sweetness of doing nothing". He has given me permission to sit and say nothing and be nothing and learn nothing. It is healing beyond words. It will not last long... Christmas is near, then New Years, then I'm moving out of home and starting a full time job. But for now, I am revelling in this quiet loneliness and letting God show me who He is in these moments. I am finding whole new shades to God's glorious colours. I am meeting Him, hearing from Him in refreshing, delicate and ever-so-beautiful ways.

pauper

How many times have you heard someone say

If I had money, I would do things my way

But little they know, that it’s so hard to find

One rich man in ten with a satisfied mind

Money can’t buy back your youth when you’re old

Friend when you’re lonely, O peace to your soul

The wealthiest person is a pauper at times

Compared to the man with a satisfied mind

My life is over and my time has run out

My friends and my loved ones, I'll leave these no doubt

One thing is for certain, when it comes my time

l'll leave this old world with a satisfied mind.

- Joe Hayes & Jack Rhodes

the listening: satisfied mind - eau claire memorial jazz i (ft. justin vernon)

hero

I've been waiting for God to come for me. I've been waiting for Him to rise up like some storybook book hero and sweep me up in His beautiful, righteous wrath. But instead, my mysterious saviour has been a quiet worker. He has moved in whispers. When I came to the end of myself, when my grief choked me and when I found myself broken and shivering, the only sound in the world I could hear was His breath. These weeks of my coldness towards Him have not made Him move an inch. Rather than fleeing from my anger and disappointment, God rested Himself right at the centre of me. Rather than rushing in to overcome my doubt, He has had faith in my faith. 

I am not enough. I am not worthy.

My faith is so small and breakable.

My love is fleeting, my heart is rotten.

But this God is big and He is stubborn. 

His grace clings to me, I cannot shake it off even with hate and abuse. 

How strange, how glorious is He.

He remains my one and only hero.

walk

I just watched a film that made me cry. (I wish I could say that I never cry in movies, but apparently that is no longer true.) Soul Surfer is a docudrama about the pro surfer Bethany Hamilton. She lost her left arm from a shark attack when she was thirteen. She is a Christian, and has let God use this tragedy to bless and inspire people all around the world.

I have had a hard month, but not because I got my arm chopped off or anything even in that vicinity. I've had a hard month because things didn't go the way I thought they would, and rather than turning to God to lead me on, I turned away from Him. I got knocked off my board, but rather than get right back up, I let myself sulk around in the water.

When asked the question "what does your relationship with God look like?", I often think of Peter walking on water. Unsure of who is in the distance, Peter says "Lord if it's you tell me to come to you on the water". Jesus replies, "come". Christ asks us to step out of the boat, to let go of what we call safety and come find Him. 

Thailand is my equivalent of walking on water. People say it's crazy, it's impossible, don't be stupid, be safe and get back in the boat. But God is there, and sometimes He is all I can see. So I step out in faith. And I am finding that it is only when I am walking on the Rock, intangible and ethereal, that I am able to know the true Christ. It is only when my whole world rests on His faithfulness to me, that I am able to let Him be His full self. But then Peter see the waves, he sees the storm and he starts to doubt. I see my bank account, or I look at other missionaries and I realise how crazy I'm acting. So I take my eyes off Him, I let my trust be in worldly things, in my own capabilities and that is when it all falls apart.

"...when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"

- Matthew 14:30-31

Jesus is always there to catch me. 

There is value in failing. There is worth in trying to walk where Christ leads even if it doesn't work out. Our faith is stretched and strengthened when we take steps towards Him, even if they are only three faithful ones before our doubt lets us sink. God's true joy is found in our getting back up again. If Bethany Hamilton didn't let one less arm keep her on dry land, why should I let a disappointment hold me back from where God is leading?

arms

I have lived a few dark weeks of lonely doubting, and I am not yet in the clear. Among other things, I began to seriously doubt my call to Thailand. I began to doubt that God had a definite plan for me. I began to doubt that I could ever be an effective missionary. I questioned whether I should just be sensible and stay in Australia and go back to my uni course next year. I questioned God's ability to provide a way for me to Thailand, and then I questioned whether I had enough faith in Him to allow Him to get me there. I feel older now, more mature, less dreamy and spontaneous. So I started to think that maybe I needed to "settle down".

But I look around this life, this city, and I know I am not made for here. I don't fit. I know my heart was made to be beat for something far bigger than myself and my neat little circle of lovelies. I know my feet were made to walk for Christ. My arms were made to wrap around destroyed, broken bodies. I know that I will never be truly alive until I live the way I was made to. I was made to lose my life for Jesus.

"The King replied, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'"

- Matthew 25:40

I know Thailand will be yucky. I've been twice before, and it is not my cup of tea. It is hot and there are bugs frickin' everywhere. It is rarely clean, and rarely pretty and those are two things I value very highly. I know that I am going to struggle deeply. It is going to shot me to pieces spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I know people think I'm stupid and naive for thinking of seriously doing this. I know people think I should wait til I'm qualified and married. I know it will be a huge risk. I could get raped, killed, abducted, sick. I may go there guns blazing and return home, a humiliated failure after only a few months. But I can't not try. I can't not give myself over to this cause, this nation that has haunted me for two years. I can't turn my back on my God that deserves more than my Sundays. I can't not give Him everything.

I am glad to have gone through this doubtful mini-season for one awesome reason. God has not spoken. He has not said "Sinead, you must go", or even "Shin, just quickly confirming that I would like you to go to Thailand, but I'll love you either way". I'm glad because now I have chosen out of my love for Him, not out of obedience. That may sound weird, but now rather than going to Thailand thinking I have to because it is God's set-in-stone call on my life, I am going because I think God is worthy of this sacrifice. Rather than going out of obligation, I'm going for love. 

lump

"No need to pray, no need to speak...

The arms of the ocean are carrying me

And all this devotion was rushing onto me

And the question of heaven

For a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Never let me go, never let me go

Never let me go, never let me go."

- Florence + the Machine

My unfaithful weeks, words and thoughts are not enough to undo His faithfulness to me. My anger and doubt do not lessen His love or deter His grace. He holds me gently even when I am trying to thrash Him away. He rains His tears over me even when I am swallowing the lump in my throat. He sings over me even when I play my music loud enough so as to block out His voice. He tells me He will never let me go even when I am running away. He says "I will carry you" even when I am sure I will fall.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

- Exodus 14:14

candle

Midday Fingers

guiltcave holds strong

old stubborn wretched

but next to Love's mountain

sin and pain fall flimsy

for yours is grace robust, if quiet

and yours is grace enough.

that midnight breath: blow

those midday fingers: reach

to meet all depths and dirt within.

now Holy Blood [shed], 

and Holy Body [shred],

the Holy Man [dead]

...for rotten me.

So you are. 

More broken for my brokenness

Than my brokenness breaks me.

You are where I am buried.

Lie with me, and death shall not do us part.

First Fig

My candle burns at both ends;

It will not last the night;

But ah, my foes and oh, my friends - 

It gives a lovely light.

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

I know that this intense passion that fuels every corner of my heart is essentially youthful. It may not last through this whole fleshly life. But I don't mind that. I mind only to burn fully, wholly living out this flame, putting the light and heat to use. I claim to have no eternal blaze, but I hope all my young burning may be for the blessing of others, and for the glory of the one Everlasting Fire.

"They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the one who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!""

- From On The Road by Jack Kerouac

sway

"How many loved your moments of glad grace,

And loved your beauty with love false or true;

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face."

- William Butler Yeats

"Sometimes its good to be lost and its good to be alone

To be half drunk swaying to a band you don't know."

- Josh Pyke

Sometimes I wonder if life might be found further beyond the God who consumes me. Sometimes I ponder my furious passion, and consider it's fulfilment outside of Christ. I think, perhaps it is found in Paris streets, or maybe in drunken dazes stumbling around with a achingly attractive stranger. Maybe life is located in fame and money and beautiful clothes. Maybe it's found when you break the law, when you rebel against every barrier and restriction. Maybe life is really in the pursuit of popularity, or knowledge, or experience.

And so I dabble. I dip my toes in these alluring waters. I let the taste of life without God linger on my tongue. I travel, I spend, I kiss, I drink, I rebel. But, somehow, my infinite, deepest soul-part knows, really really knows, that all I am looking for, all I am without, all my emptiness can only be filled by Him.

The world will love me and leave me. The world will suck me in, give me a fun ride, but then spit me right back out. The world will satisfy, but only for awhile: then it will leave me cold and broken and addicted, and I'll have to claw my way back for more. But Jesus, my sweet, wonderful friend... one wholesome hour in His company, one true touch of His hand, one perfect word from His lips, and I am transformed: I am met and healed and filled right to the depths of me. God warns us that desire can be dangerous, and that so often it leads us away from Christ. Satan whispers lies about life residing in loud clubs and stranger's beds. But this week, God has entered into this place in me - this stretching dissatisfaction, this "dangerous" desire - and He has loved me there. He has rejoiced in my passion to live. And He has shown me that He and only He can give me the life I long for. He is the origin of life, and all that tries to live without Him will eventually fall away. So to Him I die, to Him I chose to lose my life: for in Him I will find it. 

Holy Sonnet XIV

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for, you

As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;

That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend

Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.

I, like a usurp'd town, t'another due,

Labour to admit you, but oh, to no end,

Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,

But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet clearly I love you, and would be loved fain,

But am betroth'd unto your enemy:

Divorce me, untie me, or break that knot again,

Take me to you, imprison me, for I

Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

- John Donne

greenly

i thank you God for most this amazing

day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything

wich is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth

day of life and love and wings:and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing 

breathing any-lifted from the no

of all nothing-human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

- e. e. cummings

Dearest Readers: even when life sucks, even when you fight with your Mum, even when you forget your beauty and worth, even when you bury your heart or forget to protect it, even when the day is dark and the night is lonely, even when you eat tears for breakfast, even when guilt haunts you and doubt hunts you, even when goodness and God seem too far to reach...

... even then, there is E. E. Cummings.

Open to life and healing. Drink poetry and art and creation; skull it down like medicine. These things are sections of God's love laid out for you like some heavenly feast. Be greedy - consume it all. Take all that is natural and infinite and yes, for it is yours. If everything is His, and you, as a child of God, are a co-heir with Christ, then it is your birthright. You are a leaping greenly spirit, and you are destined for greatness. Do not confine yourself to grief and sorrow. Do not be governed by grammar and society. With Christ, you are more than conquerors. Throw open the curtains and let the Light pour in. Step up boldly and claim the gifts that are yours. Friends, Jesus came to give us abundant life, so come and receive it.

poète

"Poi s'ascose nel foco che gli affina."

l. 427, "The Waste Land", T.S. Eliot. 


Miss Midnight
The night and I are old friends.
I am a sleeping sunshine

She, a daytime moon.

My music words have grown quiet

So Miss Midnight comes for me.

She scatters my mind about the room

Fairy light, bittersweet dust.

She hushes the clocks and clicks the locks

Around my resting place.
There, I sleep
Not for tiredness, not for boredom
Not for escape, not for necessity.
I sleep for pure, clean, engulfing contentment.
The nocturnal maiden
She hums me, hides me, over and tides me
'Til the morning returns to find me. 

The Blessed Season
O Summer, why do you hold back?
Come forth! Brilliant one!
Approach us boldly with your hot authority.
Come now and burn our skin
Seep through this barren city
Make us gasp for water 
Make us wish we'd never shunned the cold.
May your rage and rays
Send us, heads hung low, marching in procession
For blessed refuge in the ocean's embrace.


A Sweeter Love
There is night: colder, meaner, further than the moon
but there is day: fuller, wider, brighter than noon.
There is sadness: lower, weaker, longer than sorrow
but there is hope: stronger, deeper, better than tomorrow.
There is question: richer, righter, higher than how
but there is time: newer, lighter, warmer than now.
There is death: madder, uglier, darker than the abyss.

but there is love: bolder, sweeter, holier than a kiss.

Vulture Me
meandering in and out of consciousness

smokehaze or thought
hang above the circle

milky warmth and old t-shirts

empty haikus and frosted glass

amplifying the spaces that my love cannot reach

there is much to be said (and nothing)

for seed and Stone: for mustard and Morning

buried deep in the red, cracked earth of a heart

red wine spilt, water on granite

ordinary citizens barge through

plain words assault the intricate ones

they circle my mind so vulture me, Jesus.

soak

I know He doesn't make it rain just for me, but sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes the world seems to align around me and all I can think is "He makes all things work together for my good."

Today He rained down on me. Today He soaked through my clothes and messed up my hair and made me shiver with His nearness. 

Today He thundered around me. Today He boomed in my ears, and showed the world a teaspoon of His glorious, frightening anger.

Today He sat quietly inside my chest. Today He breathed life into my deepest corners and coldest depths. 

Today I remembered my first love. Today I offered Him my hand, once again. Today I took my fickle heart, my tired heart, my doubtful heart, and I laid it back into His wholesome, holy, whole heart. For there is where I belong. There, in Him, my origins, my destination, my home.

All for blessed rain.

You see, we find Him, and we love Him, and we choose Him, but that is not the end of the story. We give Him out hearts and we receive His Spirit, but it does not finish there. Following this mysterious Man is a daily choice, sometimes a daily struggle. We lose our way, we forget His fullness and love, and the world seeps in. We stumble, we trust in ourselves, we reach high walls and try to climb them on our own. We take wrong turns, or try out short-cuts. Then we find ourselves on the side of a broken road, lost, and covered in mud. But then it pours down, and we cry out, and there He is. Warm, whole, Home. And like the Father, as the Friend He promises He'll be, He take us into Himself. He cleans us, and fills us, and sets us back upon the good path. How magnificent.

So friends, when you find yourself far from where you're supposed to be, don't despair. Waste no time tending your pride. Cry out, run down to the river, be found and cleaned. Rejoice. "Your faith has saved you!"

socks

my Jesus,

you are the socks to my cold feet

you are my time to an endless week

you are morning after the darkest night

you are my solid ground even at the greatest height.

I'm peering down a fortnight-long tunnel, and it looks cold, ugly, bleak:  assignments for miles, work work work, money-less, time-less, boyfriend-less. But because I know the Lord of lords, because I am the beloved daughter of a King, because I am the chosen bride of a heavenly Man, it shall not be joy-less, it shall not be hopeless, and I shall be far from lonely. And my life is as simple as that.

box

if life was lighter and dark was nighter

then I should know the way out.

if grace were louder and death was cruder

then I could make sense of it all.

but love is quiet, and the world is shouting

and He won't let me cover my ears.

so I sit here bewildered

unspeechless, unhindered

and make my own sweet choices.

He ushers me along, like a funny old man

a wrinkled hand upon my head.

so then life becomes subtle

and we teeter the edge

we wait for the flash of brilliance

he hushes my lips

and he quiets my heart

with a simple rush of silence.

"Maybe God doesn't need you to understand."

I pfft-ed it at first. I thought "of COURSE He wants me to understand!"

But now that I sit in my poetry-place, it seems perfectly eloquent. Perhaps God does not need us to know in detail what is going on in the spiritual world around us. Maybe God doesn't require us to fully understand what He is up to in every moment, every relationship, even situation. 

"We sometimes tend to think we know all we need to know to answer these kinds of questions—but sometimes our humble hearts can help us more than our proud minds. We never really know enough until we recognize that God alone knows it all."

- 1 Corinthians 8:2-3

I have been floundering about trying to make sense of where God is leading me, why He is filling my life with this and that. In a weird desperation to pin it all down with my pen, I pressed God on and on for answers. But of course it is our faith and love, rather than our comprehension or knowledge that most pleases Him. He is a lamp to our feet, not our entire path. He shows us the next step, not the next mile.

So, let us step out in faith - even when that step appears to takes us out onto some rickety roof or risky ledge. Let us tread lightly, be open to His rebuke, and nimble to follow after our mysterious God. Let us not box Him, let us not grill Him. Let us wait in eager faith for His guidance and commands. But, may we not stand still in timid hesitance. Let our High Priest make us bold as we approach His throne, for we walk in freedom of the freest kind. Let us remember that He is God over all: over all that we cannot know, all that we cannot see, all that we will never understand. Wholly, and only, let us trust in Him.

ravished

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up: do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

- Isaiah 43:18-19

bloom

a new season unfurls its wings

springs into life, childlike.

the fragrance of bloom offerings

linger on my fingers

seep into my deep.

humble, vagabond beauty 

sighs through trees

whispers in winds

i sink into fresh depths; gaspingly new.

o how i've waited.

"Come, let your wind blow, Spirit of God. Come, let your river flow as we wash our hearts in your love. Come, let the sun rise on this humble heart. Come, let the heat of love burn the furnace of my soul. For you, you make all things new. I'm alive in your love, I'm alive in you. And I, I let go of my pain. When it stands next to your love all it can do it fade away."

- Great Awakening

We ran for the train, but not because we were late. We just love the thrill of the chase.

"Broke my heart with your love, God I will love you the same."
- United Pursuit Band

loveriver

rip the fabric of my heart

let the banks of my loveriver break

claw down these walls

weaken my strongholds

cripple my control

let love grow

flow forth freely

rushing torrent

melt all fear, crumble all caution.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

- Isaiah 41:13

You take my hand and lead me through acres of beauty. I can do nothing but follow. Your passion disarms me, your love ruins me, your heart destroys my tall towers. I am wrecked by grace, ravished by your gaze. I am perfectly, wonderfully helpless. I am choice-less, but I still choose you.

"Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love."

- Song of Solomon 2:5

"You are everything you've promised, your faithfulness is true. We're desperate for your presence. All we need is you."

- Christy Nockels

"I'm blessed, I'm broken, I'm honoured inside to be called your wife."

- Sleeping Giant

bequest

we'll soar beyond and hunt them down.

my Eagle, my Warrior.

we'll pursue the lost and heal the hurt.

my Home, my Healer.

we'll open the doors and throw a feast.

my Host of hosts, my Provider.

we'll unveil eyes and comfort the lonely.

my Light, my Friend.

we'll groan in anticipation and bewail sins.

my Patience, my Sufferer.

we'll break their chains and wrestle for blessing.

my Liberator, my Jacob.

we'll speak from the mountain and cry out from the dust.

my Rabbi, my Christ.

we'll conquer nations and destroy idols.

my Victory, my Judge.

we'll produce fruit and offer sacrifices.

my Adam, my Lamb.

dawn

he is rising like a sun

over my souls country-scape

free, large, sovereign, full.

the depth and dents of darker, damper days

melt away in the glorious sunlight.

because words are not enough

i let his name roll around my tongue

and we sit, alive, content

one.

paul

I quite love Paul. 

Paul was God's chosen instrument to take to the Gentiles the most fatally important, most complicatedly simple, most unspeakably loving message of all time. At the dawn of his calling, Paul was literally a serial killer. But Jesus looked upon this outrageously passionate man storming around Israel shooting down 'heretics' in the name of God. And Jesus thinks, "hey I could use a guy like that". So He blinds him, sits him down and gives him a good talking to. A few days later, Paul has completely abandoned his original cause and switched to the other side. Paul stands in the synagogue bellowing out the very words he was once killing people for saying. So clearly Paul was not a fearful man. But when he first approached the Corinthians with his precious message, he was awkward, unsure, and ineloquent.

"I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling."

- 1 Corinthians 2:3

"...I was scared to death if you want the truth of it."

- 1 Corinthians 2:3 (MSG)

I think Christians are pretty hard on themselves. We all look so closely at our failures and weaknesses. We declare it 'humility' to scrutinise ourselves, label our can'ts and meekly nod at our cans. We think ourselves too young, too shy, too uneducated, too small. We think we must to wait until we are "ready" before we can begin to serve. We sign up on God's volunteer list only for the things we (subconsciously) deem ourselves capable of. But I wonder if we truly knew who we were in Christ, if we truly knew the grace and power of the One we are hoping to serve, would we still be making claims to such fallibilities? 

Question: have you ruled out the possibility of God using you for something because you think you are not able, or "made" to do it? Do you think of yourself, your personality (faults and flaws as well as strengths and assets), as a set entity? 

I wrote a post a few months ago about the way I have limited God's power by saying I can do something without Him. But lately I have seen that when I assign myself to a certain kind of service, I am limiting God's scope, i.e. I am limiting His power by saying I can't do something, even with Him. I am saying to Him that I don't believe He is enough to stretch me further beyond who I perceive myself to be. The truth is, where I end - where I give up standing on my own - is exactly the point where God can begin. The Holy Spirit can there step in and bridge even the widest gap.  

Paul did not have a New Testament to help him to get his head around the New Covenant. He did not have years to study, scholarise himself, rehearse his sermons and fancy 'Christianese'. All Paul got was a few convos with some peeps who knew a bit about Jesus' life (no one fully understood what His death meant when Paul got on board). That, and the Holy Spirit. Paul was afraid, he stumbled on his words (much like Moses and Jeremiah). But in the ways where Paul was not able to work on his own is the exact place where God intervened. True, Paul was chosen by God and used in this way because he was unusually passionate. But it was only by his faith in God, not in himself, that he was able to fulfil his calling. If he had trusted in himself, tell me how far he would have gotten? So tell me also, how far can you go trusting in yourself? Never, ever underestimate the strength and power of God. Do not look down on yourself and think you have nothing to give or nothing of use. All God asks for is faith. If you have that, you can command mountains to move.