I am confused and frustrated and tired and for the first time in 4 weeks,very lonely. I am missing home and my mummy's food, and my car and all those little comforts. I miss my friends. I miss easy company, and people to take photos with.
I hate meeting new people. I know you all know this about me, but I can't stress it enough. I hate having to pretend I am comfortable. These past few days I have met so many people (ten, in 3 days, to be exact). I know that is such a normal thing, especially when you're traveling alone, and most people enjoy it, but I can hardly stand it. I hate hate small talk. I hate awkwardness, and when you're stuck in conversations about nothing. I hate laughing at jokes that aren't funny, just to make the atmosphere a little less weird. I hate agreeing with people just because I don't want to disagree. I hate pretending that I am in a happy-happy place just cos I'm in a cool country and get to do cool things. Other tourists all seem to be having a freaking blast and they all talk to me like I must be feeling the same way too.
Today, I climbed into a shell. I didn't go out like I'd planned. I met this American guy who was also alone and he invited me to go to an attraction with him and I made excuses not to. My French neighbors invited me to trek with them, to drink with them, to eat with them, and I didn't go. A group of funny old ex-pats invited me to hang out with them, and again I politely declined. Worst of all, God keeps saying, "Sinead, go." Everytime. And I keep saying, "God, no." So we're not on good terms at the moment. I know He is doing this on purpose, causing all these people to be nice to me, to offer me their company. God's giving me an opportunity to do global missions here, to talk to people from all over the world about what I'm really about. But I don't want to. I am scared and ashamed and my shyness chocks me, literally. So I run, I hide in my room, I shuffle around so I won't bump into these people. I argue with myself and try to rile myself up to open the door to this world, but never seem to find the courage, and so stay lying in my guilt and shame.
I am a crap crap crap crappy missionary. Don't feel sorry for me, don't disagree to be polite, cos even though I am about as crap as they come at the moment, I know this full well: God is going to do great things through me. Maybe not now, maybe not for a few years even. But God is great, and He does not make mistakes. God is mighty and He delights to take broken things and make them new again. I am in a horrible spiritual place at the moment, but I know I am "hidden with Christ" (to quote a friend :)). I know that even though I'm failing at the moment, God is still in control. He has not thrown His plans for my work in Thailand out the door just because I've had a poor week. I know that He has some major major work to do in me before I will be fit to serve Him full-time in this country. And though I don't like myself very much at the moment, I know that I have been given a measure of faith that will transform me into a warrior for Christ. I have that mustard seed of faith, hallelujah. I will see mountains move in this country.
I apologize for my bluntness, but maybe it's about time for me to get a little more crass and transparent on this blog? God has been humbling me. He's been bringing my head out of the clouds and saying "this is the reality, Sinead. It is not going to be all good all the time. Your life might actually suck, by the world's terms. In fact, Sinead, you're going to suffer. Serving me is not airy-fairy and all roses and beautiful, emotional experiences."
I need to take myself out of the spotlight. I have been stealing from the Lord's throne. I have sugar-coated my experiences. I have made it about me. But it's not. This trip is not about me; this life, even, is not about me. It's about how God chooses to use me. This is not my story, it's God's. I don't want to inspire you, I don't want to make you say wow, what beautiful words. That's not what I'm here for. If this blog is for anything, it is to bring glory to God, it is to shake you awake, it is to point to the One whom we should all be staring at anyway. I want you read my blog and then to look at God and say "so, what should I do for you?"
So there is it. I am crap, God is good.
And there's no poetry today.
There are no pretty pictures.
Cos I'm still in my shell. And I'm really hungry.
BAM!
I learnt something to day. That God is already suffering. He mourns when people can't love him they way he made us too. God created us purely for himself, to love and be loved. So when we go yes God, i'm all about you he brings us into his world. His world where we were not made to suffer but where he is already pained, we join him there.
ReplyDeleteI get easily frustrated when people are like, oh Holly, I love that you always speak your mind its so refreshing and then in the same heartbeat those same people dislike that same frankness it when I meet them, challenge them and talk about God in a way that make them feel uncomfortable, exposed. When I do that I get isolated, people withdraw and I feel like I've done something wrong. I can call out to people but they would rather do it with others or alone with God. So I think to myself, what is wrong with me.
I think this is why God calls us to invite people into our vulnerability in stead of demanding they come there. When they reject us, when we feel like all people want to do is talk about something we couldn't care less about because God is more interesting, if its an invitation they are not going to say you suck or why would you say something like that, they will just decline your invitation to talk about something that really matter. People decline these invitations from God all the time. In inviting people to really engage, all we are doing is meeting God where he is and saying, I am going to do what you do too because your way is better.