a christmas rant

I have got a mighty cynical edge about Christmas. To me, it's like taking the most sacred thing on earth, dressing it up in whorey clothes and making it dance around to entertain a bunch of rich people. The Rudolph songs, the glittery houses, the bringing a tree into your living room (think for a sec how weird and irrelevant that is), the TV ads, the fat, jolly man. It's sick. It's rude. It's ridiculous. 

But I know there are so many good intentions. I know that people meet Christ during Christmas time. I know that in a lot of households He is glorified and magnified more than usual during this gaudy holiday. And I know that this tradition does a mighty good job of bringing families together. But on the whole I am repulsed by what our culture has done to this precious story, this intensely beautiful act of sacrifice, this divine miracle. I am shocked at how a day that should celebrate selflessness, crazy love and truth, seems to focus so intently on material possessions and food and false appearances. 

I'm so worried what Jesus thinks about what has become of His birthday. I wonder if He is appalled, embarrassed, angry... or amused, grateful, maybe even joyful about how we 'remember' what He did for us. I am reminded that it's not what we do, but why we do things. The Bible says that "The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart”(1 Samuel 16:7b). So surely God does not make a clean sweeping judgment about our modern day Christmas. He searches each of us, tests our motives, examines our hearts, and checks what our eyes are fixed upon.

This year, I pray that you truly would remember what December 25 stands for. I pray you would celebrate freely and joyfully with your loved ones the greatest gift you will ever receive, the only one that will last for eternity.

 

return

I hate this part. The season after a mission, the time after a high. I hate coming back to a bright, clean, prosperous, selfish world. I hate looking around and feeling disgusting in my greed and abundance. I hate how I judge the way people live in this country after what I have just seen. I hate that I convert everything I spend, and laugh cynically at glossy TV ads and wanna vomit on fundraising efforts or charities because nobody really cares. I hate that I'm just supposed to slip back into a Melbourne-esqe life, busy and frantic and social, when all I wanna do is stop talking and be alone again. I hate that I am so a part of this numbed, self-centred lifestyle. I hate how everything here seems to revolve around nothing, and that it feels so homely and familiar to me. I wanna get screwed up again. I wanna not be comfortable again. I'm sickened by the way that my vivid prayers and intense closeness to God is melting away by the second. I don't feel His urgency and passion here. I hate that Christmas is revoltingly commercial and secular. I hate that so much has happened, that I have seen so much, and I can't seem to get a word of it out because it doesn't fit here, it doesn't make sense in this setting. And I hate how all the answers to all the questions Thailand should be asking, lie dormant and unused in this very city. Once again, I am lost and confused and helpless and suffocating. And once again, I gotta get away.

makeshift testimony

So I feel that annoying need to summarize and reflect upon my trip as it draws to a close. Last year we had to give so many testimonies of what we'd done and how God had worked in and through us. But I don't get to do that this year :( So lucky for my trusty blog, huh!

Here is what I have learnt:
I am loved loved loved by God. Adored. Completely. 

God is here Thailand and He is working.

I love Melbourne!

I love to take photos (yeah, you're right, I learned that before, but it's like a constant revelation. Like, once, I accidentally left my camera at my room and I went crazy with all the things I wanted to take photos of but couldn't).

In the next few years, I need to place a huge focus on getting to know God, and on falling deeply in love with Him.

No matter what you order in Thailand, it will probably have either egg or peanuts, and if you are a slow learner and/or forgetful and are allergic to one or both of these things you will have to reorder your food and pay double for almost every meal.

I am abundantly blessed so that I may be a blessing to others.

When things are bad in your soul, praying actually helps.

Meeting new people is not so scary and that I am not a complete social-retard.

It is often the things you least anticipate that delight you the most.

God is funny. Seriously, like, He can make a joke. And He laughs at me sometimes. And He finds my weirdness and quirks endearing.

 For sure this trip has not been what I expected. I thought I knew Thailand. I thought I understood the people, and the culture. I thought I understood God and why He had me come here. But I was very wrong. Thai people continue to surprise me everyday. You hear a lot about Thailand being the "land of smiles" and how they are all meek and lovely people who never get angry or confrontational in public. And though that is mostly true, Thai people are not as black and white as that. They can be rude, and frustrating. They can be loud and oblivious. They can get grumpy and stubborn. But they can also be heart-meltingly sweet. I came with a starry-eyed love of this country because I knew God had called me here and I knew I should love them unconditionally. God has shown me that loving these people doesn't require them to be perfect, just like back home. He loves them despite their overwhelming amount of sin. And so I must learn to love them in and amongst the ways they hurt or offend me too.

Without a doubt God sent me here for this six-week mission to prepare me and call me to my long-term assignment. Everything He has said and done has been for that purpose. I think a huge reason I didn't enjoy the first half of my trip was because I was trying to force it to be what God hadn't intended it for. I was trying to make God use me for the purposes I had in mind, and I felt guilty that I wasn't living up to my own expectations of myself. He told me quite early on that I wasn't gonna see a soul come to Christ this time around, that it just don't work like that round here. But I was desperate to not have excuses, to not use anything as a cop-out for not serving Him, and so, in ignoring God, I ended up in a spiral of shame and guilt and frustration. Thankfully He is a good, patient and forgiving God. 

He has revealed to me a huge amount of my future, and that confuses and startles me. He could have waited until the end of my degree before He told me how I was to serve Him here, and in fact, I was expecting Him to do it like that. But He let me in on His plans, and I'm curious why? For sure it will give me a great sense of purpose while I am studying, and it has helped me to see my blessings for what they are. But there must be more to it...

So this is not the end. I like how my assignments all seem to blend into one. As we concluded our trip last year, I felt my calling to Thailand. And now, as I conclude this trip, I feel my next one rising. I think God knows how much energy it gives me to have something to aim for, to look toward, and how it draws me closer to Him.

So there you go. One girl, one country, 45 days, 4 towns, 60 million people, a whole lot of lostness and one great God. And that's my testimony. 

prison faith

"I ask Ron to think back to the worst setting he'd ever seen. I took this writing assignment to see how faith survives among people who are pressed to the limits... Had he ever found a place of absolute despair, with no crack of hope? What was the ultimate 'table-top test' of the gospel?

Ron thought for a moment and then told me about the time he and Chuck Colson visited a maximum security prison in Zambia. Their 'guide', a former prisoner named Nego, had described a secret inner prison built inside to hold the very worst offenders. To Nego's amazement, one of the guards agreed to let him show the facility to Chuck and Ron.

'We approach a steel cagelike building covered with wire mesh. Cells line the outside of the cage, surrounding a "courtyard" fifteen by forty feet. Twenty-three hours of each day the prisoners are kept in cells so small that they cannot all lie down at once. For one hour they are allowed to talk around in the small courtyard. Nego had spent twelve years in those cells.

'When we approached the inner prison, we could see sets of eyes peering at us from a two-inch space under the steel gate. And when the gate swung open, it revealed squalor unlike I have seen anywhere. There were no sanitation facilities - in fact, the prisoners were forced to defecate in their food pans. The blazing African sun had heated up the steel enclosure unbearably. I could hardly breathe in the foul, stifling atmosphere of that place. How could human beings possibly live in such a place, I wondered.

'And yet, here is what happened when Nego told them who we were. Eighty of the 120 prisoners went to the back wall and assembled in rows. At a given signal, they began singing - hymns, Christian hymns, in a beautiful four-part harmony. Nego whispered to me that thirty-five of those men had been sentenced to death and would soon face execution.

'I was overwhelmed by the contrast between their peaceful, serene faces and the horror of their surrounding. Just behind them, in the darkness, I could make out an elaborate charcoal sketch drawn on the wall. It showed Jesus, stretched out on a cross. The prisoners must have spent hours working on it. And it struck me with great force, the force of revelation, that Christ was here with them, sharing their suffering, and giving them joy enough to sing in such a place.'"

- an excerpt from "Finding God in Unexpected Places" by Philip Yancey

eagle

eagle

He is found in quiet places

He dwells amongst the humble

He abounds in wondrous graces

He makes the mountains rumble

He sweeps across the ocean floor

He calls upon the morning sun

And like an eagle He does soar

Like the cheetah He doth run

He clothes the land in vast, rich glory

He paints the sky with artistic flair

He writes the pages to my life story

With words of truth that strip me bare

He carries me with His scarred hands

He gently whispers in my ear

Of all His great and mighty plans

As He wipes away my final tear

speechless

I am speechless. I know that's not a very good way to start a blog post. But tell me, how do you gather your thoughts and muster words to explain the most important revelation you have ever received in your life? You might think I'm being dramatic, cos I do do that quite often. But in all honesty, I usually have just the right combo of words to describe my thoughts or experiences. But this, this thing God has spoken to me, is so huge, so all-encompassing of who I am and how I will be used for Him, that I don't quite know how to... spit it out.

So bear with me.

I have wondered for years how I will be used. I have to backtrack into a bit of "My Life Story" to explain this fully. When I was 15, I heard a sermon about God having "big plans" for us, and that we should pray and ask Him to reveal them to us. I went home and I said, "Lord, how will I serve you in my life?" And the Lord said, "through your education." 

This is a very significant moment in my walk with God, because it was the very first time I heard His voice, the first time He'd answered my prayer with words. I wasn't entirely sure what He meant by those words, but at that point in my life I was loving school, loving drama classes, loving learning. So I was stoked. Going to school, studying hard - that was how God wanted me to serve Him. Sweet. But, of course, my question wasn't "how will I serve you in my life now." And so those words I received four years ago have only been fully revealed to me four days ago. God has finally given me His full answer to that old prayer.

This is how I will serve the Lord:

I will do a primary teaching degree. Then I will move to Thailand and open a primary school in a poorer area that is in need of a school. I will teach. I will show my children how to question (which is not taught in Thai schools today). I will give them tools to dig deep into their hearts, and them that not everything they are told in their culture is true. I will tell them about Jesus. And I will see their parents come to Christ, either through their own children, as they grow and develop knowledge and a love of the Lord, or through my own evangelizing. When they come to pick up their children, I want them to ask me, "why do you love my kid so much?" And I can say, "'cos Jesus does."

There is actually a lot (lot lot lot) more to this (and I will be dang happy to share them with you if you're interested :)). I will have more than one ministry, and God has given me a lot of specifics. But this is the main part. It is so important. It is so profound to me. It draws all my parts together, and I finally understand who I am. I see now why I have been blessed so abundantly all my life - so that I may be made into a blessing for people in Thailand. God birthed me into a wealthy society that educates it's citizens well, so that I may gain the knowledge to teach children, to learn a new language: He has blessed me with money and provisions for so long so that I may be able to be a blessing to His people. How simple. And finally I do not feel guilty for having so much.

It fits so perfectly into what God has been doing in me over the past 4 years, particularly since my last missions trip. I can't even summarize all the ways that this perfect. Everything clicks into place. It shows me how thought out my life is. God has had plans for me since before I was born. He uses everything for His purposes: small instances, quiet thoughts, even the words of unbelievers. It fills me with such... seriously, I'm speechless. I feel like this is the very thing I was made for. The exact reason for all my quirks and talents and passions and loves. This is it. 

There is so much work left to do before I'll be ready to come back to this country, so I am grateful for the four-year degree in Melbourne I have ahead of me. There are also a truck load of obstacles laying before this mission. The biggest one being the law in Thailand that says it is illegal for a foreigner to take away a job from a Thai person. Also, the issue of money, since I will be incurring a big student loan, and moving to another country is no cheap feat. And, let's just say I am praying for dear life that I won't be sent alone!

 I have so much more to say, for this is truly scraping the surface of what God has said. But I think I will stop now, since I do like to talk with spoken words as well, and shall save the nitty-gritty for my real-life conversations with you lovely people.

"...'I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth.'"

- Acts 13:37

PBPGINFWMY

You know how people used to wear bracelets and t-shirts that said "WWJD", which stood for "What Would Jesus Do? Well, apparently a couple decades back the hippest anagram was a bit more of a mouthful: "PBPGINFWMY" - meaning "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet." 

For some reason I've been carrying around this lie that says because I am no longer a baby Christian, because I've been doing this for a quarter of my life now, I should be pretty much pro at it. I should have nailed the techniques by now, I certainly shouldn't be struggling with the same things year after year, and I should be a pleasing, effective servant of God, day in and day out. And because of this lie, every time I fail to do what a 'Christian' is meant to do (i.e. every day), I am filled with guilt and shame and self-loathing. Each morning, I wake up with the sub-conscious notion that I shouldn't even bother saying hey to God 'cos He's probably already mad at me for all the ways I'm set to hurt and embarrass and deny Him in the day ahead. Often logic will override this: I'll reason myself into praying by using my head to remind my heart that I am forgiven, that God just wants to love me and be near me. But that is somewhat of a prison. Especially when my mind decides to take a few days off since it's having a hard time too, and isn't really up to giving my heart pep-talks.

But lucky for me I have a Knight in shining armor. A valiant Prince. He knows the Dragon has locked my heart in the tallest tower in the land, and He has come to rescue it! (A bit dramatic, I know. Blame it on Captivating.) Or rather, God wants better for me. He doesn't like the way the Devil whispers these lies to me, and He isn't going to stand for it. I know He has been fighting for this heart of mine for awhile now, and, in fact, this is just another battle in a much greater war.

The hardest part is admitting that these lies aren't true. My head knows a lot about the Bible, about God and Jesus and all the truth that is meant to set me free. But these things are still truly foreign to my heart. These lies - that I am not good enough, that I am a failure to God, and an embarrassment to His family - are very deeply rooted, so it's not just a case of convincing myself of the opposite. I have to let God to show me, or teach me, or heal me. (I hate trying to articulate the work of God - trying to put something so mysterious, so beautiful, so not-of-this-world down in words deadens it.) I don't know what it is that He has to do in me, or how He'll do it, or when, or for how long. I don't even know the outcome, for it involves the liberation of my soul - something unknown to me. But I do know that God's army is arriving for a battle. I sense the Lord camping His angels around me. I feel a peace and separation from the usual hectic-ness of my mind. But I kind of wish He would use an anesthetic and put me to sleep for the whole operation so I wouldn't have to feel it, and then I'd wake up good to go (sorry to switch from war analogy to surgery...maybe crazy mind is not so peaceful). 

I don't expect these lies to go down easily. It'll mean a blood-bath for the demons in me. It will most likely be painful, and long-winded. But lets just say this princess is sick of the tower.

I mentioned the PBPGINFWMY phrase because it's become a kind of mantra for me. I was compelled by this verse a few days ago;

"...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 1:6 

I need to remind myself to be patient with myself, and with God. Though I am now clothed in Christ, there are still some deep scars beneath that robe of Glory, and God works in His way, in His own time. I cannot hurry Him, nor expect Him to fix issues in an instant that took years to form. There is a good work happening in me. It's not done yet, and, in fact, the renovation won't be complete until I meet my Maker. 

on porsche and touch

 "Hold me and love me and touch me again

And show me why I believe."

- Brooke Fraser

"Find me here and speak to me

I need to feel you

I need to hear you."

- Lifehouse

I am a fool for the five love languages. I know they are not a biblical concept as such, but I find them to be so true. They have put words to my need for love, for how I long for it in specific ways. 

Last night God filled my mind with a weird memory. This year my beloved, beautiful, life-long feline friend passed away. Porsche was my best lover. She knew how and when and where to love me. She knew when I wasn't in the mood, she knew when I should be in the mood, she knew when I was desperately in the mood. And she would come and sit with her love, her heavy, furry (often drooling) love, taking up more bed or couch than I did. Her love was persistent and needy; she would not give love without receiving something in return. But there were no expectations, no let-downs, nothing logical, nothing calculated, and best of all, not one inch of awkwardness lay between us. Thus why she was my best lover. 

But she died. And I cried. And now I don't have a lover. 

I have another cat. Wacko is manly, and old, and hilarious, and absolutely lovely. He loves also, but in very, very different ways. I thought about how, depsite the fact that I am extremely fond of Wacko and have had him longer, he never has been quite what Porsche was to me. Then I realized: Wacko is not a lap cat. He will sit near you, he will nuzzle in, he will lay his head or paw on you. But Porsche, she would jump onto my bed, climb over my whole body (without any regard to pain or inconvenience), right up to my face, and sit on my chest. For hours. And she would purr, and dribble and dream, and open her eyes and blink slowly as though she was in heaven itself. 

My love language is physical touch. There is something indescribable about someone I love deeply, without complication or tension, being that near to me. Last night, I realized that I loved Porsche so dearly because she loved me exactly as I needed her too. And because she was a cat, not a human with thoughts and judgments to make, I was able to love her as freely as I pleased.

I've been trying to fall in love with God for months. He has done some things to show me about how to love Him. But I realized last night how strongly I want to touch Him. I get so bored with words. God says beautiful things to me, and I try to let them mean a lot, to let them minister to me in the way He intended, but He knows that I want something else. I want Him to touch me. I want to sit on the beach with God's arm around my shoulder. I want Him to told my hand and brush my hair away. I want lie my head on His chest and hear His heart...

So, I got angry at Him, since that seems to be my response to everything these days. I said, "God! You use all the other four love languages directly, but not the one I need." For Acts of service, He came and died. As Gifts, He gives us Jesus, creation, friends/family, talents, spiritual gifts, blessings. He uses Words of Affirmation through the Bible and by speaking to us directly. And for Quality Time He has torn the curtain and made Himself constantly available, He makes His presence palpable at times, and we could spend all day, every day with Him if we wanted. But the only way that God uses physical touch to express love for us is through other people. And, well, then it has to include the other persons love as well. You can't just go up to a random on the street and say, "please sit with me and hold me for awhile because God wants to love me right now and you have a body".

Thus, longing for a husband commences... 

stealing from the throne

I am confused and frustrated and tired and for the first time in 4 weeks,very lonely. I am missing home and my mummy's food, and my car and all those little comforts. I miss my friends. I miss easy company, and people to take photos with.

I hate meeting new people. I know you all know this about me, but I can't stress it enough. I hate having to pretend I am comfortable. These past few days I have met so many people (ten, in 3 days, to be exact). I know that is such a normal thing, especially when you're traveling alone, and most people enjoy it, but I can hardly stand it. I hate hate small talk. I hate awkwardness, and when you're stuck in conversations about nothing. I hate laughing at jokes that aren't funny, just to make the atmosphere a little less weird. I hate agreeing with people just because I don't want to disagree. I hate pretending that I am in a happy-happy place just cos I'm in a cool country and get to do cool things. Other tourists all seem to be having a freaking blast and they all talk to me like I must be feeling the same way too. 

Today, I climbed into a shell. I didn't go out like I'd planned. I met this American guy who was also alone and he invited me to go to an attraction with him and I made excuses not to. My French neighbors invited me to trek with them, to drink with them, to eat with them, and I didn't go. A group of funny old ex-pats invited me to hang out with them, and again I politely declined. Worst of all, God keeps saying, "Sinead, go." Everytime. And I keep saying, "God, no." So we're not on good terms at the moment. I know He is doing this on purpose, causing all these people to be nice to me, to offer me their company. God's giving me an opportunity to do global missions here, to talk to people from all over the world about what I'm really about. But I don't want to. I am scared and ashamed and my shyness chocks me, literally. So I run, I hide in my room, I shuffle around so I won't bump into these people. I argue with myself and try to rile myself up to open the door to this world, but never seem to find the courage, and so stay lying in my guilt and shame.

I am a crap crap crap crappy missionary. Don't feel sorry for me, don't disagree to be polite, cos even though I am about as crap as they come at the moment, I know this full well: God is going to do great things through me. Maybe not now, maybe not for a few years even. But God is great, and He does not make mistakes. God is mighty and He delights to take broken things and make them new again. I am in a horrible spiritual place at the moment, but I know I am "hidden with Christ" (to quote a friend :)). I know that even though I'm failing at the moment, God is still in control. He has not thrown His plans for my work in Thailand out the door just because I've had a poor week. I know that He has some major major work to do in me before I will be fit to serve Him full-time in this country. And though I don't like myself very much at the moment, I know that I have been given a measure of faith that will transform me into a warrior for Christ. I have that mustard seed of faith, hallelujah. I will see mountains move in this country.

I apologize for my bluntness, but maybe it's about time for me to get a little more crass and transparent on this blog? God has been humbling me. He's been bringing my head out of the clouds and saying "this is the reality, Sinead. It is not going to be all good all the time. Your life might actually suck, by the world's terms. In fact, Sinead, you're going to suffer. Serving me is not airy-fairy and all roses and beautiful, emotional experiences." 

I need to take myself out of the spotlight. I have been stealing from the Lord's throne. I have sugar-coated my experiences. I have made it about me. But it's not. This trip is not about me; this life, even, is not about me. It's about how God chooses to use me. This is not my story, it's God's. I don't want to inspire you, I don't want to make you say wow, what beautiful words. That's not what I'm here for. If this blog is for anything, it is to bring glory to God, it is to shake you awake, it is to point to the One whom we should all be staring at anyway. I want you read my blog and then to look at God and say "so, what should I do for you?"

So there is it. I am crap, God is good.

And there's no poetry today. 

There are no pretty pictures.

Cos I'm still in my shell. And I'm really hungry.

BAM!

kanchanaburi

Complete bliss. 

I am sitting on the porch of my new room as I write this, listening to my all-time favourite song. And here is the photo I just took:

...and of course, a picture can't capture it all.

I am utterly amazed at creation, at the vast diversity God crams into just one country. Kanchanaburi is breathtakingly beautiful. It is quaint and strikingly peaceful compared to Chiang Mai. I have 5 days here. I have no idea why I'm here. I've been obsessed with heaven this past week and a half. Obsessed with what it will be like, obsessed with my desire to get there. Songs, and books, and Bible verses have all been coming out of no where, reminding me that this world is not my home, that I am destined for joy and glory beyond what I can fathom. Maybe God has me here to teach me more about that.

red-light pain

A couple nights a go, I prayer-walked through the red-light district here in Chiang Mai. It is a deeply, profoundly sad place. I felt God's heart so mournful there. Girls, some surely the same age as me, skirts a hand-span length, made-up as symbols of sex and pleasure. Lonely, old, white men, looking to a fallen Eve to satisfy a never-ending, life-long hunger, wearing lust like a second skin. Worst of all, they all seem to act like it's completely normal, simple fun and games, and 'why the heck are you looking at me with pain in your face'? It looks like they really believe this is where life is: in loud, twinkly-lit shacks along Loi Kroh Road. I feel so far from Eden, so baffled at how our sins have barely changed since that first fateful taste.

As I walked along, I came across yet another beggar. There are many here, and those of you I've emailed will know I have been struggling as to how God wants me to respond to them. This beggar was a man, with a small child, sitting on a bridge. As I passed, he called to me in a voice that broke my heart more than I can express. I kept walking as tears of divine pain filled my eyes. It was as though the hurt and brokenness of that whole, long street had just spoken to me; the depth of all that excruciating desire, all the shame, all the emotional poverty, all the aimless and countless stabs at what promises to be an answer, all those years and lives of sin and hopelessness - in one, desperate voice. "Help me."

I went back to him about an hour later, and gave him a tract and some money. He looked at me like I was Jesus Himself. The gratefulness in his eyes, the adoration, the reverence as if I was a holy being, come to give him all he's ever wanted. But I might as well have given him nothing. The money will be gone, the tract most likely cast aside, and he'll be back to that street, night after night, long after I have returned to my abundant world.

I wonder how God restrains Himself. How does He let these creatures He has formed with His very hands, these small, fragile beings He loves more than we can fathom, how does He let them go on dying deaths of despair everyday. I know He could come, and in one second, heal this whole world, every soul, every disease, every need. 

"...'Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh." 

- Luke 6:20-21

May the Lord burden your soul. May you be overcome with pain and sorrow. May you be as Job and lose all you have. May you never eat another morsel. May you hunger until your last breath, for you are working, waiting, living, dying for a heavenly country.

a deeper beauty

"My soul is getting restless

For the place where I belong

I can't wait to join the angels

And sing my heaven song.

I hear your voice and I catch my breath

'Well done my child, enter in and rest'

Tears of joy roll down my cheek

It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams."

- Phil Wickham

"Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul." 

- Horatio Spafford 

"Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die
Let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me."
 - Audrey Assad

lamb
O, Good Shepherd
I am a tender lamb
lost in the wilderness
I am scattered in my inmost parts
gather me in your arms
carry me close to your heart

O, Holy Husband
come for your beloved
the one to whom you are promised
you are building a house for me
but i am pleased for one day in your tent
let me wait no longer

O, Great Father
let me blend and melt
into your perfect soul
that we may never be apart
hide me in your love
let me disappear into your deeper beauty

faith without love is dead

"Life minus love equals zero." 

"Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment." 
- Rick Warren

"It's not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters."

- Mother Teresa

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."

- Galatians 5:6 

"This is how we know what love is: Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

- 1 John 3:16-18 

"This is how we've come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God's love? It disappears. And you made it disappear. My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality."
- 1 John 3:16-18 (MSG)  

"Proclaim the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words."
- St. Francis of Assisi

"Everyone will know that you are my disciples because of your love for each other.” 
- John 13:35 (GWT)

breath of love

 This time last year I left for my first missions trip. During those three months I struggled tremendously with God's love for me. I was almost completely convinced that I wasn't forgiven, and that my sin meant God didn't love me. I felt like who I was in the essence of me was sinful, and that sin was so deeply ingrained that it was literally impossible for God to love me. I believed Jesus had come and died, but was sure that He didn't die for me, because He didn't love me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it was truly what I felt. I remember telling Erin that it didn't matter, that even though God didn't love me and I wasn't even worthy to call Him my God, I was still going to carry on serving Him, because He was worthy. It was a soul-crippling time. 

God spoke to me during that trip, and also a lot throughout this year about those things. I am still, even a year later, coming to terms with the fact that God loves me. He has told me multiple times, but it's so easy to say you love someone. Every time He would repeat it, I would ask, "why? There is absolutely no reason for you to love me. I am not worthy of your love so don't love me." On one occasion God told me off. He said that for me to insist that He doesn't love me is to insist that He is not loving. He asked me, "do you think I am not loving?" I have had many experiences of God coming to me and bringing me into His love. He has romanced me, poured His affection on me, opened my eyes to who He is, and who I am as a creation of that Person. 

These past two weeks in Thailand, God has been finalizing this work in me. I sense very strongly in my heart that His love for me is passionate and intense and inescapable. I feel covered and secure in His love now, whereas before I felt awkward, like I wasn't meant to be there. This is what I have learnt:

"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love." 

- 1 Corinthians 2:7 (MSG)

This is the story of His love for me put simply: God wanted something to love. So He thought of me. Then with His own hands He formed me. And He said, "it is very good". 

That's it. How perfect. How amazing. He made me to love me. He loves me because He made me. "God is love," so He needs things to be the object of His love, and since He's also the Creator, He creates the things that He wants to love. He made the heavens and the earth. He made angels and animals. But me, we, we're the focus of His love. I am not the perfect creation I once was, I have been through a hell-ful world, and not come out unscathed. But His love for me does not end. God does not change. And He loves me so much that He wants for my sake to bring me back to who I was created to be. (Seriously, how freaking good is He? I can't get over Him!)

"When you are sleeping, God gazes at you with love, because you were His idea. He loves you as if you were the only person on earth." 

- Rick Warren

I am also very slowly learning what it means to love God. We, as humans, are so used to letting our emotions guide us. If we feel in love with someone then we think they are worthy of our love, and so we are in love with them. But God has been showing me that I need to choose to love Him, even when I don't feel it. He is always, every second, worthy of my love. But I'm not always, every second, going to be filled with loving emotions toward Him. So I must make a conscious choice to love Him anyway. He is showing me how much worship means to Him, how that is the way that He loves to be loved, and what exactly worship is. 

Worship, by the way, is not just singing and lifting your hands (what?!), no. It is much, much more. It is obeying His commands; it is dying to ourselves and letting Christ live through us; it is telling people about Him; it is rejoicing in our blessings; it is thanking Him; it is meditating on His Word. Worship is dancing and laughing and eating and showering and walking. No joke. It is literally letting Him into our everyday, mundane, but real-life stuff. God doesn't just want our quiet times. He wants our whole entire lives.

"The steps of the godly are directed by the LORD. He delights in every detail of their lives." 

- Psalm 37:23 (NLT) 

This is my new thing; breath prayers. I got it from The Purpose-Driven Life. "You choose a brief sentence or a simple phrase that can be repeated to Jesus in one breath: "You are with me," "I receive your grace." "I'm depending on you." "I want to know you." "I belong to you." "Help me trust you." "You are my God." "You will never leave me." Pray it as often as possible so it is deep rooted in you heart."

It is a simple way of letting Him in, of reminding myself to find ways to worship Him. Maybe you want to try it?

Hey you guys, thank you so much for reading my blog and for praying for me. It is such a huge support, and makes me feel much less alone in this big wide world. I miss and love you all!

charming chiang mai

Chiang Mai has this cute way of charming me just when I am about to give up on it. When I'm at the end of my rope about bugs and heat and funky smells and footpaths that intentionally trip me up every 8-10 seconds, Chiang Mai will waltz on in with a plate of something that can only be described as pure bliss. Or out will pop an enchanting square completely lit up with all kinds of delightful bobbles and hanging do-das. Or I'll (literally) stumble upon a quaint restaurant, hiding down a soi (lane), playing peculiar tunes that woo me into thinking how exotic I am to be enjoying spicy food in humid evening air.

The past couple days have been full of completely surreal moments. And when I say Chiang Mai has been charming me, I know it's really God who is.

Last night after dinner I went walking and, God knows how, ended up at Thapae Gate (I've changed hostels, so lost my bearings of the city a little), where a concert called "Bless Thailand (Chiang Mai)" was happening. The entire area, which is huge, was filled with plastic red chairs, and a massive stage had been set up. Everything was in Thai so I had no idea what the whole shindig was about. Until. They start singing "How Great is Our God." Again, I found myself in one of those moments where I knew God had led me to the exact place I was in. The whole night was a praise and worship session in the middle of the city centre (Melbournians: think Federation Square, Aucklanders: think Aotea Square). The area packed full, and I, a Christian of 5 years, witnessed the most passionate, the most joyful worship I have ever seen. 

In Thailand. I cried. 

I have been so overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness. And then God says, "I am here, Sinead. I've been here, and I'm staying here, and I love these people." I sat for hours and watched a thousand Thai people praise my God with all their hearts, in their own language, feeling more found and at home than I have in a long time. 

Just as I stood to leave, some guy started speaking in English for all the foreign missionaries to stand. I was already standing. God was giving me my identity. "You are my worker. You shall reap the harvest of this crop." It was profound. I was standing for my purpose. 

After they prayed for the missionaries (there was a couple dozen of them there), I felt God prompting me to go and talk to one of them. You guys know I'm shy and awkward, but God has again been speaking to me about surrendering my shyness to Him. So I went and spoke to an older lady about her work in Thailand. She's been here serving God since the year I was born. 19 years. She encouraged me greatly and gave me her contact.

On the street outside Thapae Gate, I saw the homeless lady I told you about. I have been to see her a few times and I like to think we've become the best of friends (though neither of us understand a word the other is saying :)). When she saw me, she got up and started looking through her bag (I'm still not convinced she's completely sane.) And guess what she pulls out this time? A Bible. But not just any Bible. A Thai and English Bible. And gives it to me. And says it's from her "mama". 

God keeps bringing me to a point where I am speechless. I don't even know what to say to her. She's homeless, for goodness sake, and she's handing me the most valuable possession anyone can have. I try to give her food sometimes, and she won't let me, as though I'm giving too much. But she gladly and abundantly blesses me without hesitation. I don't think she will ever know how much that gesture means to me.

So there you go. How is that for a night of confirmation and commissioning. I can't seem to run from my calling to Thailand. I doubt it everyday. I'm still entirely confused about "why me cos I suck so much". But God is ridiculously insistent. And I know, I know, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called, or one of the many similar quotes, blah blah. But still, when I think about the full-time missionaries I know, they are flipping warriors for Christ. And what am I? I am a girl. I am little. I am from New Zealand. New Zealanders are warriors at sport.

I have a million other stories to tell you, but I think that's enough for now.

These are the things God has been speaking to me about lately;

surrendering

sacrifice

love

healing

constant prayer

worship

delight

Here are some important verses for me at the moment. (You can look them up if you're bored and/or need some inspiration);

-John 12: 24-26

- Job 22:21 (NLT)

- Hosea 6:6 (MSG)

- Matthew 22:37-3

- John 5:3-6

- 1 Peter 2:11 (MSG)

And here are some songs that mean a lot to me right now;

"How He Loves" - David Crowder Band 

("I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us.")

"Time" - Tenth Avenue North

("My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between.")

"Far Far" - Yael Naim

("There's a beautiful mess inside." - Thanks to whoever commented that song on my post <3)

And some dancing phontons for your eyes;

littlelostlight

beatenbrokenbound

loosen these chains

with a laser light

 helpholdhope

be exalted in this war

walk this street here

 reachripeready

what are you waiting for

they are already yours

 pluckpickplease

meet me

find me amongst

 aloneapartaside

but do no speak

do not ask or command

 touchtaketest

where am i 

tell me where are you

 looklielost

if you hold my hand

maybe i will come

 followfoundforgiven

if you do love

if you have made your choice

 sustainstrengthensave

your servant

your daughter

 delightedestineddevoted

pregnant

I like slightly inappropriate metaphors:

Thailand is my unborn child. Thailand is to me like finding out I am pregnant, and realizing that though I'm not really sure I want this baby, I can't abort it. For at least the next decade or so, I'm going to have to provide for this kid. It will be a hard road, and will certainly cause me pain and heartache. It'll cost me in all areas - financially, emotionally, mentally. But maybe, just maybe, this is what I was made for - to mother, to guide, to nurture a fragile, innocent being in a broken and hurtful world. And once it is birthed, I'll probably love this child more than myself, and maybe it will bring me more joy than I can fathom at this moment.

poems

friend

it creeps, and climbs, and enters

uninvited, unexpected

but well welcome

a ray, a shard, a slice 

of good, of peace

of warm, of release

it sits and studies me

it swings and swirls

it grows and shrinks

it hums while i sleep

and waits for me in the morning

to find it

waiting like a faithful friend

it is unfamiliar at first

but soon becomes a phantom limb

i cannot breathe without it near

so come dear thing

show me the way 

for i am lost and blind


prison tower

break free

as the world takes a hold of me

i am locked in a prison

made of man 

made of my own hands

the door is open

and i hold the key

but how can i leave?

i am this place

and this place is me

i am flesh and blood 

and tears and mind

i am not heart or hope

i am not free

i am no bird

i am no sky or sun or rain or tree

i am walls and locks and doors

i am a tower

teachings

Revelation!

I am being tested! (Duh, of course.) God is withdrawing His presence from me to see if I will remain faithful. He is throwing me obstacles (getting sick, having money stolen etc) to see how I will respond and if I will persevere in my service to Him.

"God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm: at the time that you are put to the test, he will give you strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out."

- 1 Corinthians 10:13 (TEV)

He is also testing me to see if I am a good enough servant to serve Him long-term in Thailand (but of course He knows the answer, right?). It is a test of my character, it is a test that chips away at the crusty world remaining in my heart, it is a test of my endurance, but mainly, it is a test of my faith. 

Do I believe in Him even when I can see no fruits of my labour? Am I faithful to Him even when I cannot see what He is doing? Do I trust in His promptings even when they make no sense at all?

"If you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the riches of heaven?"

- Hebrews 13:14

“...‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’"

- Matthew 25:21

If I am not faithful to Him in this small task He has put before me, how can He trust me with a bigger one?

alien

I am alone. I am apart from.

I am angry for the burden that has been placed on me.

I am hurt by who I am.

I try to throw off my duty. 

I try to run, once again, from a calling I cannot escape.

I defy and deny the One who has given me everything.

I turn my back, and shuffle awkwardly into the world.

But it never works. I am never at home. No matter where I am.

I am an alien. 

I am different.

I am too big or too small.

I am too much or not enough.

I cannot find truth or beauty or peace or joy.

My heart aches and turns violently within me.

This is not what I want.

I'll go stand in the middle of an ocean.

And hope I am lost and never to be found.

May I sink and be buried.

Let Him find me if He wants.